Choices and voices

Vargyl: Stop talking about yourself as if you were someone else. I know what you're thinking, that I'm just a hallucination and you should discard me as such, but I know that you don't really think that. You're analysing too much. I'm not just a voice in your head and you know it.

Yeah, still torn between accepting reality and just wallowing in my fantasy world. Though he does intimidate me, so I don't know so much about the wallowing part. I know so little about him, yet I have so much to write about him. He seems cold. Like right through cold, emotionless, frigid, and I suppose that's what intimidates me about him. He says that he loves me, but his words are empty, shallow in a way. Still I believe him. I hate it when he pops out of nowhere, says something and it makes me jump out of my chair. Could ask for a little warning before, perhaps?

Yeah I am a bit afraid of my own mind. And all these people that seem to populate it all of a sudden. I'm never alone, I'm not even alone in my own skin. Though, it's not always bad. It can be quite nice to have some company sometimes. But it's irritating when they disturb my WoW playing so that I almost end up getting killed in the middle of a raid or something. The whole group wiped in a dungeon but I can't know for sure if I have Vargyl to blame for that, though he was distracting me.

I know that this gets worse when I'm awake for too long. After 24 hours I'm having a nervous conversation with Vargyl. After 30 hours Anna is starting to lose it and I'm starting to hallucinate visually, seeing stuff. After 40 to 50 hours I need to hold on to my desk because the floor is wobbling and constantly look over my shoulder cause I think someone is watching me. After 60 to 70 hours I'm tackling three conversations with Anna, Vargyl and Satan but gotten used to the other stuff. Passed that I've never gotten. Thankfully.

But is it a choice that I make to stay up way after bedtime, or is it rather involuntary? I sure as hell wouldn't choose hallucinations and delusions going haywire and creeping the fuck out of me, but I don't choose to sleep either. Perhaps I try to not choose either of them, cause I really hate making a decision. What I would do to not have to choose at all. Anything. Just leave all the options constantly available for when the right time comes. Why does everything have to be so black and white? They say there are grey zones, but when it comes to sleep/being awake there really isn't any greys in between.