Hostile fantasies

I'm getting lost in fantasies all day and night now. Hostile fantasies, can you call them that? I start up with a normal conversation and it ends up in a fucking bar brawl in my mind. Mostly it's me defending my love or the other way around, against some nasty imaginary faceless people I just made up. I can't keep my synapses under control, I think there's a glitch in my brain today. Cause I keep creating knew scenarios and they all end up in curse words and fist fights. Some unresolved anger lying underneath, perhaps?

What just became of the last three or four hours? It seems to have slipped my mind. Sometimes I don't understand how I can make hours, days, weeks disappear just by staring at my computer screen basically. Well it's better than staring into a wall, which I tend to do when I'm somewhere I don't have access to my computer. Come to think of it, I have been staring into the wall quite a bit as of lately. These weird fantasies... I get so caught up in them that the screen is distracting. It's like watching a movie, and then the wall makes such a better background for it.

The fuck... is this why so many other not so sane people seem to stare into walls for long periods of time? Or am I the only one having a movie marathon in my own head for hours? Sometimes I get very sucked into my thoughts, that I find the world around me to be distracting - rather than the other way around. Then I go all in mode with a scenery: a bar, an apartment, a class room, a school yard, or anything really. Decide who's gonna be there, time of day, prior events and so on. Basically creating a snap shot. Then I find a topic of conversation, an opening line and just go with it.

So... that's a way of passing time, I suppose. Not all of my fantasies end up in fights though, I "succeed" once or twice with a lovely little scene that I just want to be real. All of these are too private to mention here, but yeah, they're all about him. Things that I want to talk to him about, but they're not really online chat-material. So I live in my at the moment, chosen fantasy world. I realise I have quite many of those. But the chosen ones are the best.