One hell of a defence mechanism

I feel empty. Can't focus on anything besides this damn hypnophobia and all the anxiety it brings me. Brings me down. Nothing seems to ease it. I'm tired and jaded at the same time. Why does the night always bring out the worst in me? Probably cause I feel locked up in this apartment. Everything is closed and I'm counting down the few caff pills I have left, fantasising about energy drinks and not having to drink coffee all the time. A caffeine addict tired of coffee? Well, it doesn't quite surprise me to be honest. Cause when I think about it, it's pretty damn disgusting in large quantities.

This emptiness seems to wanna stay. I don't like it that way, I hate it when I can't feel anything. I feel lonely inside myself, and that's saying a lot from someone who hears voices 24/7. I'm not supposed to feel alone, I shouldn't technically be able to feel that way. And I mean alone, not lonely. Cause I don't really want company, I just feel like I have this huge dug out hole inside me and I can't even remember what filled it out to begin with.

All these pills, sewing threads, pens, cigarette packs, bloody paper tissues and random junk I keep collecting on my desk. Really should clean up that mess. Any day now...

I can do this without so much caffeine, it's going fine so far and I'm below 1.000 mg in over 30 hours. As soon as the sun goes up it will get easier to stay awake. Don't think I'm doing this for fun or as some sort of self harm or amusement, this is just survival. Apparently, according to my psychologist that's exactly what this is. My body is in a constant self defence mode, keeping me awake to be alert for danger. I don't remember exactly what she said but she talked about lions in the savannah back when humans were sort of a new kind of breed. She made a really compelling argument, it's just that I've forgotten most of it.

I seem to surprise her a lot with my knowledge on psychology and we can have kind of deep conversations about certain issues. It's freeing in a way, cause I don't have to feel like I'm just babbling on and hardly know what the beginning or the end of myself or the conversation is, as it has been at most of my meetings with various care takers in the psychiatry. It would be too big a word say we are more equals, but I don't feel either smarter or dumber in our sessions. More balanced, could be a good way to say it. I like her, and hope I won't have to change to a different psychologist again any time soon, or like, ever.