I notice that I eat more now, since I'm awake around the clock. Usually I ate brunch and dinner. Now I get two brunches and two dinners. Keeps me going, and probably part of the reason why I'm still able to keep awake for so long. I take less caffeine and eat food, use chewing gum and sing along to the music to keep myself awake instead.
Got the tip about chewing gums from the film "Insomnia" and it's actually working! Wonder what the director and film crew would think if they would find out they just handed out a trick to help a hypnophobiac to stay awake.
Still trying to figure out what to say to my shrink on Friday, during our next meeting. I don't know if I will have slept anything until then. I think I have, to some degree let go, and now just go with the flow. Cause I have less anxiety about sleeping because I tell myself fuck that shit, fuck it if I sleep or not! And I think the anxiety itself made it harder to stay awake, so I tried even harder with more caffeine and grasping at any straws I could find.
Now I sit here in my fourth night slowly sipping an energy drink and trying to figure out which film to watch next. I'm not so worked up about my sleep issues because I choose to simply ignore them. Instead of trying to keep the car on the road I just let go off the steering wheel and sit back and enjoy the show. I won't die from sleep deprivation, though there hasn't been much research in that area. Some say "of course it's bad for you, cause you feel like road kill if you don't get enough sleep". Others say that "the worst that can happen is that you get a little slow and lethargic but that's about it, the body will regain it's need for sleep sooner or later, so no need to worry".
I miss him. I miss him so much these days, and keep playing up and replaying scenarios about a perfect future together with him. They're fairly realistic, though it's hard to think of realistic conversations when I don't know him so well. I feel so terribly lonely when I think about how much I miss him though. Just wanna go back to the main country ASAP, but I'm broke and can't even afford my own food and cigarettes. He's all I can think about. Or, he's the only positive thing I can think about in excess of my mental problems. It's quite a contrast, though even in that department we have a little in common.
Did I just fall asleep for a few seconds? Is that even possible? Just like that I am a female blood elf in WoW about to talk to some NPC's in something that could have been a dream, right after I had closed my eyes and then instantly snapped back to reality, eyes wide open. It didn't even take a minute.
I can't fucking believe it, I'm actually hallucinating a song that is stuck on my mind. I heard it first in the kitchen, but the buzzing from the microwave suffocated the music, I couldn't even figure out that it was music. So I kept walking around in my apartment, listening intensively, trying to figure out where it came from. Until I got into my bedroom.
The bedside lamp was still on, so I turned it off and leaned towards the wall furthest from the kitchen. I pretended that I lied on the floor, with my arms curled under my chin. The bedroom, that gives me so much anxiety, seemed to let off heavy energy of wasted sleep and unfulfilled dreams as I stood there. To actually be in there, not just go in for picking up something in the wardrobe or fixing with something, but to just be there. So much negative energy. For all those nights I achingly fell onto the mattress, wrapping my entire body tightly in the duvet, collecting my arms and legs as close to my torso as possible, just waiting for the long lost, hated sleep to devour me. And all those nights of terrifying dreams, waking up screaming, or waking up scared and not knowing where the fuck I am. Afternoons and evenings when I finally got enough willpower to drag myself up from there, put on clothes and leave the bedroom behind me again. It's haunted now, and the ghosts won't leave me be.
I had my ear against the bedroom wall and from it I could hear "Thanatophobia" by Funker Vogt. I can really hear it, like it's coming from somewhere in reality! I can't get it into my head that the sound I hear is coming from inside it. Reality is slowly turning up side down, as I count the hours to 92.
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