It's only two days left now, and the anxiety is holding a firm grip around my throat, suffocating me. It's the "Love is in the air" thing in world of warcraft now, and all the pink hearts popping up everywhere make me feel sick. Was it always like this? I don't remember.
This just struck me, what am I gonna do without the cigarettes this time? How can I endure this without the sweet smoke? Blood, alcohol, anxiolytic drugs, chocolate, blankets and warm showers, movies, more video gaming and whatever I can think of. Whatever I can think of...
I just got a phone call, and the person on the other end said they were calling from "Socialstyrelsen" and my heart missed a beat or two. I snapped at them and didn't know what I was feeling. But after they had explained who they were, I was like "oh... it's you" suddenly feeling utterly embarrassed and unnecessarily evil. Or something. It's just the LSS people, no worries at all.
I'm a bit jumpy and freaked allover today. Hardly know what I'm doing and I think I forgot to eat too. My head is spinning and I'm trying to calm down, but it's not easy. A thousand things run through it and I can't keep up. Maybe I shouldn't even try.
At first I thought this might not go so bad at all, considering I seem to take it better every year, but then this about the cigarettes. I'm in abstinence and quite a mess mentally. This... hopefully I don't go and do something stupid that I will regret after. It's just a memory, why do I let it kill me?
I miss my blood elf priest. Gonna go and do some pointless quests now. I know I don't write here that often nowadays, but trust me I do write, I just don't post it. Well, until now that is. The title, I just thought "love is in the air, but love isn't fair". No other reason, or whatever.
Showing posts with label distraction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distraction. Show all posts
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Fear
This new kind of anxiety I'm getting scares me, cause it's purely mental and gives no physical symptoms what so ever. Therefore, no meds can ease it. I can't control it, I can't bear it, and I don't know how to make it go away. If I play it wrong I end up putting out fire with gasoline and it can last for hours. I think maybe I'm not supposed to. Fear and suffering always find new ways of tormenting me, it's like it tries to tell me I have to learn to endure it instead of running away or it will just keep getting worse.
written later:
I get this weird feeling in my fingers, allover my skin. Not tingling, rather the opposite. Not added sensation, but like partially fading. Reverse tingling, how about that. Seems I get to experience a lot of new shit today.
No, today has not been a good day. Though I managed to calm down the anxiety eventually (I don't know how many hours later, honestly I didn't count, but it was daylight when I wrote the first passage. Okay, now I counted: five hours). Watched a Swedish movie that always cracks me up and played some WoW. Though that only works if I'm going on a low level character and just speed kill everything I see in game.
That "all guns blazing" is totally my style in video games by the way. It's great to blow off steam but not so practical in the long run. Oh well, I suppose it fits my personality a little as well. I may seem calm and quiet, but I never back down a challenge. Yeah, I've been run over a bunch of times, but I'm still running. Built up a kill or be killed mentality, so to say. Face everything that is chasing me, and start chasing it in return.
I don't understand why I can't overcome my phobias, I play with them all the time. Extreme fear of heights? I'm still getting up on that unstable chair to fix the light bulb. Scared of distortion? Let's have a re-run on that horror movie that presents it so well. Afraid of sleeping? Fuck that shit, I'm tired (I did one night). Still, nope. Every phobia is still there, exposure doesn't quite seem to cut it for me. But I won't give up, not until I've become fearless.
written later:
I get this weird feeling in my fingers, allover my skin. Not tingling, rather the opposite. Not added sensation, but like partially fading. Reverse tingling, how about that. Seems I get to experience a lot of new shit today.
No, today has not been a good day. Though I managed to calm down the anxiety eventually (I don't know how many hours later, honestly I didn't count, but it was daylight when I wrote the first passage. Okay, now I counted: five hours). Watched a Swedish movie that always cracks me up and played some WoW. Though that only works if I'm going on a low level character and just speed kill everything I see in game.
That "all guns blazing" is totally my style in video games by the way. It's great to blow off steam but not so practical in the long run. Oh well, I suppose it fits my personality a little as well. I may seem calm and quiet, but I never back down a challenge. Yeah, I've been run over a bunch of times, but I'm still running. Built up a kill or be killed mentality, so to say. Face everything that is chasing me, and start chasing it in return.
I don't understand why I can't overcome my phobias, I play with them all the time. Extreme fear of heights? I'm still getting up on that unstable chair to fix the light bulb. Scared of distortion? Let's have a re-run on that horror movie that presents it so well. Afraid of sleeping? Fuck that shit, I'm tired (I did one night). Still, nope. Every phobia is still there, exposure doesn't quite seem to cut it for me. But I won't give up, not until I've become fearless.
Saturday, 9 November 2013
Spiralling out of time
Not so strange perhaps, but I really don't feel like myself these days. I'm a shadow. Can't focus on anything, everything is a blur. Like looking out the window of a moving train. Some things you see, others just pass by and you hardly even notice them. You don't notice what you missed until someone points it out to you. And we're not even on the same train.
Nights and days blend together in a flickering light play. I'm lost in numbers but I can't tell the time any more. I don't even know what date it is. Without time everything is disconnected, scattered. I take my meds when they tell me to, but then I can't remember if I took them, even though their bitter taste is still clinging to my throat. That taste that releases when you don't manage to swallow them correctly and they start dissolving in your mouth. And you can't wash it down, cause it's stuck there, for hours or just seconds until you forget about it. Sleep deprivation changes who I am.
I can't feel time, at all. To me, two seconds feels just as long as two hours, two days, or even two years. I'm trying to connect with time by counting, but my numbers are just as useless as a broken watch. I don't fully understand how I perceive time, but it seems to move in circles. Sometimes going backwards, biting its own tail, sometimes moving away some place new before spiralling back again. So maybe it's more like a very uneven spiral. Cause I'm going backwards at the same time as I'm going forward. And people expect me to eat consistently and have circadian rhythm.
How does time feel? Can you feel if you need something depending on how long ago you had it last? Can you tell if it's been a long or a short time, to or from something? Is it different related to the past or the future? I wouldn't know. It doesn't exist. In my world all there is, is astrology and watches, and nothing more. I can't feel it.
I can't feel much at all lately, but something's scratching inside me. Like some wild animal fighting desperately to get free. I put the self destruction on hold, but not for too long, cause if I push it too hard it's gonna end in a disaster. As I said to my shrink today when we talked about my irrational fear of sleep, but this applies in every occasion related to fear: "anxiety isn't dangerous, it can't harm me, I know that - it's what the anxiety can cause me to do that is dangerous".
Nights and days blend together in a flickering light play. I'm lost in numbers but I can't tell the time any more. I don't even know what date it is. Without time everything is disconnected, scattered. I take my meds when they tell me to, but then I can't remember if I took them, even though their bitter taste is still clinging to my throat. That taste that releases when you don't manage to swallow them correctly and they start dissolving in your mouth. And you can't wash it down, cause it's stuck there, for hours or just seconds until you forget about it. Sleep deprivation changes who I am.
I can't feel time, at all. To me, two seconds feels just as long as two hours, two days, or even two years. I'm trying to connect with time by counting, but my numbers are just as useless as a broken watch. I don't fully understand how I perceive time, but it seems to move in circles. Sometimes going backwards, biting its own tail, sometimes moving away some place new before spiralling back again. So maybe it's more like a very uneven spiral. Cause I'm going backwards at the same time as I'm going forward. And people expect me to eat consistently and have circadian rhythm.
How does time feel? Can you feel if you need something depending on how long ago you had it last? Can you tell if it's been a long or a short time, to or from something? Is it different related to the past or the future? I wouldn't know. It doesn't exist. In my world all there is, is astrology and watches, and nothing more. I can't feel it.
I can't feel much at all lately, but something's scratching inside me. Like some wild animal fighting desperately to get free. I put the self destruction on hold, but not for too long, cause if I push it too hard it's gonna end in a disaster. As I said to my shrink today when we talked about my irrational fear of sleep, but this applies in every occasion related to fear: "anxiety isn't dangerous, it can't harm me, I know that - it's what the anxiety can cause me to do that is dangerous".
Tuesday, 29 October 2013
Impressions
I have on and off thought about going incommunicado sometime. Just for a few days or so. I have no idea when, where or how though. Just that it would be so sweet being alone without any contact with other people, for a little while. Instead of going nuts and lashing out on everyone who don't wanna leave me alone, because they "care" or whatever.
Steal my mother's car and head off to... well, nowhere. Cause sometimes I just get so damn tired of people. They talk, they judge and they have opinions. Besides, there's only one person that I want to be with, and care to listen to, but he's not exactly around here.
I think I've come down with a slight case of a rhino virus, and if it wasn't for my smoking it would have been over in a day or two. But oh well, a little coughing, the occasional throat pain and extra snivelling doesn't bother me much.
I'm back home after my trip to the main country, and it was really nice. Way over my expectations! Yeah, I had some, pretty vague expectations. Two awesome party nights after each other, lots of booze, caffeine, nicotine and socialising. Though many nights were riddled with anxiety basically no matter what I did. There's only so much you can do with Mirtazapine, Lergigan, Imovane, Zyprexa, cutting and listening to calming music. It took about 3-5 hours to fall asleep most nights. Then I slept until late afternoon. So that was the negative part, but my sleep was bad already before my trip.
I'm so tired from the flight and such now, still I can't sleep. Maybe too much impressions to process or whatever. I may have physically left Uppsala and Stockholm behind me, but mentally it feels like I'm still there. It's hard to explain, but I think you can understand the thing about wherever you go, you leave something behind. Cause it feels like I left a part of me there, a feeling, energies or an impression of sorts.
Steal my mother's car and head off to... well, nowhere. Cause sometimes I just get so damn tired of people. They talk, they judge and they have opinions. Besides, there's only one person that I want to be with, and care to listen to, but he's not exactly around here.
I think I've come down with a slight case of a rhino virus, and if it wasn't for my smoking it would have been over in a day or two. But oh well, a little coughing, the occasional throat pain and extra snivelling doesn't bother me much.
I'm back home after my trip to the main country, and it was really nice. Way over my expectations! Yeah, I had some, pretty vague expectations. Two awesome party nights after each other, lots of booze, caffeine, nicotine and socialising. Though many nights were riddled with anxiety basically no matter what I did. There's only so much you can do with Mirtazapine, Lergigan, Imovane, Zyprexa, cutting and listening to calming music. It took about 3-5 hours to fall asleep most nights. Then I slept until late afternoon. So that was the negative part, but my sleep was bad already before my trip.
I'm so tired from the flight and such now, still I can't sleep. Maybe too much impressions to process or whatever. I may have physically left Uppsala and Stockholm behind me, but mentally it feels like I'm still there. It's hard to explain, but I think you can understand the thing about wherever you go, you leave something behind. Cause it feels like I left a part of me there, a feeling, energies or an impression of sorts.
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Distractions
Tonight I'm gonna see if it's possible to get up on the roof top of my house. No, I'm not gonna jump. Just wanna sit somewhere up high, challenge my fear of heights and enjoy the view.
I bought minty cigarettes cause I just got the idea in my head, and it was a while ago since I tasted such. They contain less nicotine, so it's also good if I can lessen my nicotine consumption that way. I got an appointment with a therapist (?) of some sort in early November, to help me quit smoking, but I figure if I can do some on my own it's good. Will keep smoking regular cigarettes as well though, but it's still one step on the way.
I suddenly got the feeling that I on some level actually do want to quit smoking, because it will so totally be worth it, if it really means getting my surgery as soon as possible. Looking forward to it so much! Everyday when I get my mail delivered I eagerly rip the envelopes apart hoping for it being from Karolinska. No news so far though.
I've gotta open a window before it becomes a suicide by cigarette smoke, sort of thing.
I'm embroidering a bit again, or well, it kinda comes and goes. I'm working on another piece on the side of the big one. This other pattern or what to call it is a bit simpler and more "free style". I don't follow an exact pattern, more like a general idea that I also keep adding stuff to. It's silly really, an eye with a dilated pupil, and there's a broken heart in it. It's crying blood and I think I will add some runny make up as well. It could be cool in an emo-ish way, sort of heartache/lovesickness inspired.
I'm totally happy about going to Uppsala this week, by the way! I've even started packing already. Been so damn long, can't even remember when I was to dMz last time. Must have been either fall 2011 or winter/spring 2012. Over a year ago in other words, maybe even two years. I'm gonna see as many of my friends as possible (or until I pass out from stress overload), buy a lot of shit I can't find in Visby and then go back home broke and worn out.
I bought minty cigarettes cause I just got the idea in my head, and it was a while ago since I tasted such. They contain less nicotine, so it's also good if I can lessen my nicotine consumption that way. I got an appointment with a therapist (?) of some sort in early November, to help me quit smoking, but I figure if I can do some on my own it's good. Will keep smoking regular cigarettes as well though, but it's still one step on the way.
I suddenly got the feeling that I on some level actually do want to quit smoking, because it will so totally be worth it, if it really means getting my surgery as soon as possible. Looking forward to it so much! Everyday when I get my mail delivered I eagerly rip the envelopes apart hoping for it being from Karolinska. No news so far though.
I've gotta open a window before it becomes a suicide by cigarette smoke, sort of thing.
I'm embroidering a bit again, or well, it kinda comes and goes. I'm working on another piece on the side of the big one. This other pattern or what to call it is a bit simpler and more "free style". I don't follow an exact pattern, more like a general idea that I also keep adding stuff to. It's silly really, an eye with a dilated pupil, and there's a broken heart in it. It's crying blood and I think I will add some runny make up as well. It could be cool in an emo-ish way, sort of heartache/lovesickness inspired.
I'm totally happy about going to Uppsala this week, by the way! I've even started packing already. Been so damn long, can't even remember when I was to dMz last time. Must have been either fall 2011 or winter/spring 2012. Over a year ago in other words, maybe even two years. I'm gonna see as many of my friends as possible (or until I pass out from stress overload), buy a lot of shit I can't find in Visby and then go back home broke and worn out.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Torn between
It's been a weird day. Felt horrible this morning, better in the afternoon, okay early evening and now I'm down again. Sleep anxiety crawling up to me again. Dreading my lovesickness will take a turn for the worse and I'll be lost in that blindness again. No, no, no, no... I feel the sleeping pills kicking in. Not now, please, I'm not ready yet! What if I just stayed up tonight, what if I just can't take this anymore?
Torn between lovesickness, schizophrenia and hypnophobia. They collide and clutter my mind. Why can't I just look beyond the labels for once in my life?
This is truly a tough time in my life, it's too much at once! I need to watch a movie so scary or interesting that I can't lose focus. Where do I find such a movie?
Anna: Have you lost your marbles again?
Me: I don't think I've ever had any marbles...
Torn between lovesickness, schizophrenia and hypnophobia. They collide and clutter my mind. Why can't I just look beyond the labels for once in my life?
This is truly a tough time in my life, it's too much at once! I need to watch a movie so scary or interesting that I can't lose focus. Where do I find such a movie?
Anna: Have you lost your marbles again?
Me: I don't think I've ever had any marbles...
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