This ambivalence drives me crazy. On one hand I really do want to go to sleep, I pine for it, miss it. On the other hand I want to keep staying up, cause what fun is sleeping anyways? I'm equally torn between those two and I can't make a decision. I just can't. I've tried for three hours to make up my damn mind, but it seems impossible.
This 100 hours thing is crazy, and I keep screwing it up all the damn time. Pushing myself to the breaking point and then getting angry with myself for not being able to push it further. Idiotically comparing myself to the last world record breaker who stayed up for 18 days and feeling like a failure for not even being able to go through 4 days. Something is wrong in this picture.
I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when you don't know where to put your hands in certain stressful or nervous situations. You keep trying different positions: across your chest, in your pockets, straight down along your sides, holding something, anything, but nothing feels right. I feel like that now, but with my whole body and mind.
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