Strangers who care, beware

I've had it with this, I just wanna shut off my phone and throw it into a box and bury it in my endless chaos of other boxes. The crew is so damn fucking annoying I'm tearing myself to pieces every time they call. "To check on me" oh god damn I hate it when people care! Just fuck off, leave me alone! Why can't they just leave me alone?

I have a sensation I'm gonna get snarkier by each phone call until some unlucky one becomes a victim of my dark side. By which I mean something like verbal abuse. Yet I keep pushing it, instead of just telling them up front about it. I usually do that. Lash out first, explain afterwards. Neat for an interrogation technique perhaps, but not in real life.

I think maybe I have something personal against the crew specifically. People working as care-takers in regards to psychological matters tend to make me itchy. I just can't handle it when people I don't know show care for me like that. And I feel like an asshole because I don't want, can't understand or handle their intruding affections. I've hurt people because of this. I feel like shit knowing that by caring about me, people are at risk of being hurt by me, just because they care. What kind of monster am I?

Now this only goes for people that I don't know and or don't know me. If a friend cares about me, that is wonderful, because then I know it is genuine. Then it's not just that over all sympathy/empathy you can get for feeling bad over a random person who's in pain. I feel like a dog that's been run over by a car and that's why these strangers care. I don't want that, they do it out of pity. And I really loathe pity. Most of all I loathe my own fucking self pity, but that's another chapter.

One thing I don't understand is, if the same person, or persons, keep this act up, or whatever I should rightfully call it I don't know. Even after I have calmly explained how I feel about that, and it just increases their care! It's a downward spiral until I just finally snap. All I try is to explain myself and make them at least stop showing that "aw poor you" face, and I end up breaking them. Not so well played, but with all good intentions.

I just don't want this to become a trend regarding the crew. I've snapped once, and that can be excused, but doing it a second time might not be taken quite so lightly. And this isn't just some psych-ward, this is my permanent residence. I can't keep fucking things up all the damn time. Especially sabotaging relationships with people I'm dependent on is a really bad idea.