Eyes wide open

For the last 24 hours or so that I've been awake I've had this lingering, hesitating fear that if I allow myself to go to sleep I won't wake up again. Like ever. This is highly irrational to me, considering the fact that I've been wishing for that to happen since I was 12 years old or something like that. And everything about me is so fucking ambivalent.

I've been feeling weirder than usually lately, even since I got back home from Uppsala. I can't put my finger on it, it's not tangible, but it's definitely regarding my fear of sleep, my generally altered view of reality, this vague feeling that I'm not really here. And I'm not sure exactly where I am, in some sort of border land, a state in between states.

I read through half a book since about 8:00 this morning to about now to keep me busy. The Swedish edition of it that I have is called "Om det ändå vore sant" but it's confusing me language-ish wise, cause the original title is something in French, the character's names are Brittish and the story takes place in San Francisco. Apart from that it's a really good book, I've read it once before, many years ago, so I've forgotten quite a bit. Time to refresh the memory, was my thought. And an excuse to actually make some use for my comfy sofa that mostly just stands there against the wall for no use.

I was getting tired, my eyes drawn astray and it was getting hard to focus on the text. So that's why I stopped reading for now or I would have read it all through. I could still finish it in only one day, and that is kinda remarkable considering how slow I read. This thing with my vision is because of the obvious sleep deprivation, but also too much caffeine can and in my case does cause blurry vision. I just got so damn scared that I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open, that seem to be my strongest fear right now. That I'm scared of closing my eyes, for longer than the split seconds when I blink on reflex.

It's already getting dark, and this time the anxiety is getting worse way too early. It's barely yet afternoon and the sun is already on its way down! Remind me why I wanted it to be winter again? I'm not afraid of the dark, anyone who knows me can verify that, but as of lately darkness seem to make me more tired than before, and the tiredness makes a part of me wanting to fall asleep, and there in lies my ambivalent fear and the raging war inside me. For some fucked up reason I've gone from nocturnal to depending on daylight. Don't know what's up with that, but I don't like it at all.

Am I giving up this sleep issue? Kinda feels that way. Cause now I'm keeping myself awake again, and I sort of semi promised people I would stop doing that. Not an actual promise, but telling people I would try my very best or something like that. It doesn't matter to me what I said or didn't say, the important thing is that I believed in it and talked myself into it just as much.

Gah, I don't wanna think about this anymore! I'm crawling out of my skin and ranting this shit is only gonna make things worse. I think I'm starting to hallucinate also. Great. There's always room for a little more shit, isn't it? Can't have one without another.

Focus, damn it! I'm drifting in and out of focus and can just barely keep myself awake. I hate this. Why can't it just go away? Stupid questions requires no answers. I can't even proof-read and edit this text properly, it's too blurry. Though I try.