Simply existing

I think I'm opting for a caffeine overdose tonight. Six pills and two energy drinks in less than three hours. That would count as eight cups of coffee... Don't worry, I'll call an ambulance before I go into cardiac arrest. It's when I reach this state, after being awake for more than 30 hours and the third night falls, I get so tired that I have to double or triple my caffeine consumption to be able to keep awake. I've never been able to be up for four nights or more in a row, so can't tell how that would go.

I'm shivering, chain smoking and can't think about anything but simply existing right now. Holding my breath, breathe, feel my jaded heartbeats and the coldness on my back, the smoke in my eyes, the robe belt fastened too tight around my waist, my tense stomach, rocking myself to the rhythm to the music and the little aches in my wrists from all the typing.

Existing... why is it so hard sometimes? There's so much on my mind it's nothing at all. My whole body aches, except for my knees for some reason. Focus on them then. But I can't feel them, the little comfort there is disappears in all the pain. Why does my body have to be such a bitch? Demanding things I simply cannot give it. Is that how I am disabled? That I can't provide my body what it needs cause I'm that crazy. And I'm constantly deteriorating and I've been doing so since ever. But my body is strong, young and healthy.

Yet I feel old. Cause I can't carry the weight I have, constantly aching, tired and have no energy at all. I have all time in the world, but no energy to do anything the world has to give me. Not so strange that I feel like shit. And I'm still wanting to get in shape so it can give me some of that energy I lack, but knowing deep inside my heart that's not the way it works. It didn't work in junior high, so why should it now? I was healthier and younger then, ate better and trained karate three times a week, yet I was so damn tired and constantly aching already then. I just chose to ignore it, until I no longer could.

So why bother then? First of all, because I'm not gonna give up just because I've lost my hopes. That might sound contradiction, but it isn't. One is a feeling, the other is a choice, and I chose to go against that feeling.

I'm cold sweating now also. I hate it when that happens but I know it so well. Shivering in my own sweat, my body cooling itself down when I'm already cold which makes me even colder. This night feels so damn long, and it has barely just begun.