Fear

This new kind of anxiety I'm getting scares me, cause it's purely mental and gives no physical symptoms what so ever. Therefore, no meds can ease it. I can't control it, I can't bear it, and I don't know how to make it go away. If I play it wrong I end up putting out fire with gasoline and it can last for hours. I think maybe I'm not supposed to. Fear and suffering always find new ways of tormenting me, it's like it tries to tell me I have to learn to endure it instead of running away or it will just keep getting worse.

written later:
I get this weird feeling in my fingers, allover my skin. Not tingling, rather the opposite. Not added sensation, but like partially fading. Reverse tingling, how about that. Seems I get to experience a lot of new shit today.

No, today has not been a good day. Though I managed to calm down the anxiety eventually (I don't know how many hours later, honestly I didn't count, but it was daylight when I wrote the first passage. Okay, now I counted: five hours). Watched a Swedish movie that always cracks me up and played some WoW. Though that only works if I'm going on a low level character and just speed kill everything I see in game.

That "all guns blazing" is totally my style in video games by the way. It's great to blow off steam but not so practical in the long run. Oh well, I suppose it fits my personality a little as well. I may seem calm and quiet, but I never back down a challenge. Yeah, I've been run over a bunch of times, but I'm still running. Built up a kill or be killed mentality, so to say. Face everything that is chasing me, and start chasing it in return.

I don't understand why I can't overcome my phobias, I play with them all the time. Extreme fear of heights? I'm still getting up on that unstable chair to fix the light bulb. Scared of distortion? Let's have a re-run on that horror movie that presents it so well. Afraid of sleeping? Fuck that shit, I'm tired (I did one night). Still, nope. Every phobia is still there, exposure doesn't quite seem to cut it for me. But I won't give up, not until I've become fearless.