Keep my head on

This will be one of those cryptic entries, I think. Cause I don't know if you'll be able to figure out what I'm writing about, or if it remains a what the fuck sort of thing. You tell me, I'm just the writer.

I just got this messed up thought in my head. How would my crush look like dead? No matter what would be the cause of death, I wonder what he would look like. Why do I wanna imagine him being dead? That's absurd! Oh, wait... just remembered that isn't such a weird thought for me. Never mind. I think I'll keep that reason to myself, or at least I won't spell it out, in case you've figured it out I mean. Cause some taboos are meant to be taboo.

Though they're just thoughts and fantasies really, I would never actually want him dead of course. That would be terrible, beyond terrible, the world would stop spinning, or it fucking should. This is me writing about something I don't think I'm actually prepared to or think that I should write about. One of those things I'd rather lock up in a little black box and throw away the key. And then throw away the box. But of course I can't throw away my feelings, no matter how much I want to.

Even I don't parade everything I have, and this is one of the things I really don't want to admit to having. I might "joke" about it at a party, or discreetly discuss it on an internet forum from the darkest, most secret society pit of the world wide web where I'm super anonymous.

Though I think it's rather rare. Well, I've seen a few on Flashback, but I can't be sure how serious they were and I didn't interact. People don't understand it, heck even I can't bloody figure out why I'm wired that way. Though I would never go through with actually doing it in reality, or at least that's very unlikely due to it being illegal and stuff. What is it with me so damn morally corrupt?! Anyways, it's something that's been joked about a lot, but you rarely see someone admitting to actually having that fetish. You just don't. If you wanna keep your head on, that is.