What I am

"Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you need
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul" - from Abney Park's song "Creep"

That song really speaks to me right now, on several different levels. Yeah I'm a fucking creep, whenever I start liking someone I become this smooth stalker. I've been stalking various people for quite many years, it's like an obsession. Very creepy indeed. And that about wanting a perfect body, a perfect soul... yeah I think you know what I mean. I'll run three miles a day and stop eating to get thinner and then I'll hit the gym and probably won't leave it until my final goal is achieved. It doesn't matter if I'll faint ten times a day, constantly sore and short of breath. I like pain, and it's better if something good will come out of it too. I do want a perfect soul, always trying to become a better person and ending up losing the best of me. It's always been like that, all I do is trying to change to the better, but it ends up getting worse instead. I guess it's in my nature.