This has been a strange night, cause I can't feel anything. No moodswings, no moods at all. I must say I'm quite baffled. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary. I slept okay, only woke up about five times, and dreamed about my old classmates from the gymnasium, which by the way was a pretty strange dream, but funny. As my dreams usually are, and I don't care much for analyzing them anymore. So I miss my old classmates, so what? I got up around 21.00 o'clock when I got tired of people calling me all the time. "Are you up yet?" "Do you want to meet up today?" "You have laundry in an hour" and "Will you take your medication?" til' I just snapped at them saying I don't care about the laundry, no I'm not up yet, no I don't want to see you and yes I've taken my medication, now please fuck off. Then I parked my ass by the computer with a cup of tea and the regular chain-smoking (yeah I'm a chain-smoker. I'm awake barely 12 hours aday and during that time I smoke around 50 cigarettes. That's like ten minutes between every cigarette). Then I made some breakfast. Back to the computer, tried playing some WoW but got tired of it, returned to various internet forums for some scrolling.
Posted a few comments, wondered why Dayviews suddenly seemed dead, or at least everyone that I stalk there. Thought of perhaps making my own chicken soup and googled some recepies but they all seemed complicated so I dropped that thought. I mean I can't cook anyway! It's hard enough to boil rice and throw a chicken filet in the oven. I'm quite surprized I can do that even. So I listened to some music and googled phobias, but couldn't find a shit about the fear of distortion, so I declared I must be the only one who has it. Then I remembered I wanted to watch Fight Club again, so I rifled through my shelves of movies certain I have it in there somewhere, but I didn't find it so I looked it up on 1channel. Started watching, and got tired of it every five minutes. My attention span is quite short nowadays.
I suddenly got a craving for coffee so I fixed myself a cup of that. Obviously I must have made it too strong (I'm prone to do that, cause it tastes better and cause of my endless need to get high or whatever. I always welcome a good rush of whatever sort) and got dizzy, nauseous and it feels like my clothes are choking me. Perhaps not the smartest choice of dinner. Perhaps I'm not the smartest person either.
And that's all there is, and that's usually what my uncreative days consists of. Cause trying to write without inspiration is like trying to enjoy music you're not interested in. Or something like that, I don't know what it's like not being creative. I feel empty, not interested in anything, apathetic and somewhere between uncaring and bored. No I don't think I'm bored, cause there's nothing I feel like doing. Nothing is amusing and I can't even focus on a few rows of text even if it's something I'd normally find interesting. I'm reading too slow and if I skim I won't remember what it said. No point reading it then. No point even opening that page.
My thoughts move so slow I'm almost starting to wonder what part of my brain I've killed this time. It actually goes seconds between every thought, which is an extremily slow thought process in my case, cause I'm used to tackling ten thoughts a second. At least. That's kinda sweet, but I feel like I'm brain dead.
The sun is starting to rise and I can feel the intruding headaches already. I wish it could stay down a little longer, can't even be five hours of darkness at night anymore. I hate the summer. Especially summers on Gotland are a real pain in the ass. It's extremily hot, the sunlight is lacerating my brain and burns my skin and the population is increased by 300%. Not kidding, that's how many turists this little island gets every fucking summer. It wouldn't surprise me if it sinks a bit deeper into the ocean every june and then rises a little again in september. I don't miss the daytime at all, but I really have to do something about my bedroom window, cause I can't sleep when the sun is shining through those useless blinds and with one curtain short. I taped up some tin foile, but that didn't make much of a difference. And of course it's a south view. I wish buildings didn't have a south side, or at least that those stupid architects should maybe put a little thought into planning which side the bedroom is facing.
I seem to notice a lot of architecture "mistakes" in apartments and houses nowadays, and often wonder how the fuck they wre thinking when they planned the place. Like the house I grew up in, that had 17 different rooms, hallways, closets and lofts here and there, but only two of those could be used as bedrooms. The bathroom was a nightmare, it always rained in throught the roof, the ventilation was terrible and it was a miracle it didn't fall apart. The electricity was also a bit fucked up, wired up sometime during the 50's and then re-wired a dozen times over the course of years with various results. I suppose I just got into understanding what my parents discussed about that and picked up on a few things myself. Okay, this is turning into literally endless ranting. I should probably stop before I end up making a book out of it.
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