Love and fear

Singning along to Emilia's "Big big world" thinking how well it describes me as a nine year old. Nostalgia-anxiety, sort of.

I sense that my feelings for this guy are just get stronger and stranger. Makes me say weird things sometimes. I suppose I shouldn't worry too much if I'd say something that he finds weird in that way, or would suspect my feelings. That would only save me the trouble of telling him! Nah, I don't think I want to tell him just yet, I mean this might be over in a week. But that is unlikely, cause usually when it's an actual person I fall for, that I also talk to, that passion will last for at least six months up to several years. No matter how unobtainable. I wish I could gain some control over my chaotic heart. Like, say... fall for an obtainable person that at least shows some interest? Who doesn't live across the country? Who I've actually met in real life more than once? No..?

Okay I give up. What will be will be. Some beasts are just not tameable, they rip you up and eat you alive. Thus is my heart.

I try to decide if I should tell my mom about those two times I was sexually abused. It's a little weird that -talking about sex with your parents- kinda thing, but this isn't about sex. It's about somethings awful that happened to me and that I've for so long needed to talk through with her. She knows almost everything about me, I tell her if I skipped taking my medicine, when and if I have my period, about most of the bullying I went through, relationship problems, I tell her when I'm suicidal and have discussed gender reassignment surgey with her. So why does this tear me to pieces? Because it's the most awful I've ever been through and I'm scared I will somehow hurt her if I tell her. What if I'll make her cry? I've only seen her cry once in my entire life, and that was many years ago. It was so heartbreaking but I still don't know why she cried. So I'd feel awful if she cries if I told her about this. I don't think she would even know how to react. Would she be upset if I tell her or glad that I finally open up to her about it? How the hell would I feel if it was reversed and my grown child tells me fifteen years later they were abused? I know that I can't possibly know no matter how much I keep ranting this. It's not gonna help a shit. Yet I can't stop. This is a huge thing, it's heavy as hell and no parent on earth would want their child to have gone through what I've been through. And why bring this up now? I dunno, things just got so very vivid and real this last week.

I almost told her in the car yesterday, but I didn't cause I didn't want my sister to hear it too. She mentioned something about my ex and I asked her which one. I said I've only had two serious relationships and two more that were a little vague. I told her about Max for the first time. That he didn't think we had arelationship but we were friends and slept together and thus I considered it a relationship. I mean I'm 24, she must know I've had sex. With my lifestyle and what more. I'm still not sure about my sister though, but that's not my story to tell. So I was close to telling her, could that mean I might be ready? Well it's now or never, I can't keep ranting, analyzing, disecting and repeat if I'm going to or not for all eternity. If I'm ever gonna be able to process these traumas, I can't keep it bottled up, right...?

My brain is so confused right now. Two contradictory, strong feelings at the same time. Ambivalence. Being in love with a fluttering heart and having it ripped up by awful memories at the same time.
Kill. Me. Now.