I just started listening to a playlist on Spotify when Alphaville's song "Die for you today" pops up. I remember listening to it when my heart broke into unrecognisable pieces in January 2011, a week before I tried to kill myself for that reason. I remember thinking that many people kill themselves because of a broken heart. I've had my heart broken so many times I have literally lost count ages ago, when I had reached to 20-something already at the age 15. My heart is really out of control. But this one was so much stronger than all the others before wrapped up into one. I broke into pieces completely. I starved myself, had insomnia, cried constantly and planned my suicide for weeks. I remember asking Anna: can I kill myself now? after she had promised I could if this was to happen, and with a faint, shallow, shaky voice she said yes. I could hear she was crying. I've never heard or felt her crying before or after that again. It was so very sad, painful, scary and strange. To hear another person crying inside me with a different heart rate and breathing. It was almost as if we were departed and at the same time we were closer than ever. I've never sought comfort from her before, but that day, that moment we held each other and cried together. There were no words to say, the world had fallen apart.
"I wanted to be everything, everything for you
I wanted you, I needed you, I thought that you did too
You built me beauty and took it all away
And I can't face another day
I'll die for you today..."
The fault was my own. He didn't break my heart, it wasn't in his hands, he did nothing wrong. It just happened after I found out he had gotten together with a girl. That was all it took. I can't stop blaming myself for all this, that I let my unconditional love escalate to something even bigger. I svore, vowed that I'd do everything for him, anything at all. Everything I could possibly imagine in the most gruesome ways. I didn't even know I could feel a love that strong for a guy I didn't even know what his sexual orientation was. But I do realise now that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It was literally love at first sight. I remember when I got into our new class room the first day of school and I didn't notice him at first. Fifteen minutes later I met a pair of perfect blue-green eyes with black eyeliner framed around and it was like the floor just disappeared from under my feet. I'm not really sure exactly what happened, I guess I'm too human to be able to grasp the concept of it. From there on I only wanted to be around him, didn't care much for the other classmates, teachers or the lessons. I was there only to be with him.
So what I'm getting at is that I didn't have much of a choice. My heart just did it's own, quite remarkable thing in a split second and then I was lost in those eyes for almost half a year. At first I just followed him around everywhere, trying to make it look natural but I don't think anyone even cared to notice that everywhere he was, so was I. I tried to talk to him as much as I could, gave him anything he wanted, spent a fortune on lunches even though I was broke to begin with, did everything he suggested that I could do, gave compliments and bought his old iPhone he had put up for sale - for money I didn't have - just to have something that was his.
When that wasn't enough I started stalking him on Facebook, Helgon, Dayviews, listening to his video blogs over and over again and scrolling through his reading blog for hours a day. I printed out pictures of him from these sites and filled my walls with them. I think this is commonly called an obsession, in it's most graceful way. You see I was very keen on keeping this a secret, and though I made a mistake once in a while, it mostly went unnoticed. Usually, people don't expect ordinary, generally non-creepy people to develop such an obsession.
In retrospect, I'd say one reason as to why I went haywire fanaticly obsessed, could have been that I was falling apart in other aspects too. I'm not capable of studying full-time, it drains more energy than I can possibly give it, but I was going all in for it anyway. I was hammered already the second week but I just ignored it and kept going. When I developed insomnia and couldn't stay awake during class I started to drink massive amounts of coffee. My headaches got so bad I couldn't get out of bed without strong pain killers. When coffee alone didn't work, I upped my smoking habits. The insomnia got so bad I started to self-medicate with vodka and absinthe. The hungovers that followed the next day was so bad I had to take a glass of vodka in the morning as well. At my worst I went to school high on pain killers, slightly drunk with vodka in my strong coffee I always carried around, smoking at every break. I was on life-support and was only halfly aware of what was going on around me. Tomb was eventually everything I had to live for. I wrote up "five reasons to live today" every day in my diary and throught October, November and December all it said was his name.
This is why I am scared to death of falling in love again.
I mean it's not really so strange my feelings got way over hand considering the way I "lived" during this period. I was a runaway train on a broken track about to crash into a mountain any minute. I'm actually kinda amazed I got to school almost every day and sometimes even successfully completed a task or two. Most significantly, I learned a very important lesson: don't even try to study full time if I don't plan to pay for a casket as well.
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