Sociopath?

During my stay at the ward I didn't have access to my computer, so I wrote a lot in my diary. It's safe to say I've never written so much explicit material in any diary ever before. I've dug too deep into myself and I'm scared of what I've found. Really horrible things that I have done. I can't write about them here, and it tears me to pieces that I can't vent about them with any living soul. I can't even tell my shrink, cause of the risk of being brought up to court, and perhaps even be arrested. The thing I worry most about happened like 10-15 years ago when I was still a minor, but I'm not so keen on putting myself through that risk anyway. The other thing was more recent, a couple of years ago, but there's no evidence there that could put me away.

I'm walking on a thin line, afraid of messing up just a little too much. Most of the time I don't even realise how bad I fucked up until much later. The sad thing though, I'm worried about my own skin and not those I hurt. I don't really feel any remorse at all. Yeah, I've really dug too damn deep inside myself to find this shit. I had the memories before of course, but through my digging I've discovered so much more about what actually happened and what went through my head during those times: selfishness, control, sadism. That freaks me out.

This very thing has ran through my head a lot lately (like the latest month, from time to time), that I'm basically a sociopath. When I did the tests prior to get the borderline diagnosis, the doctor told me I also most likely had antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). He hesitated to put that up on my chart, and somehow we agreed that he wouldn't. It was a pretty damn close case, and I can't help thinking about that now. It's hard to not feel like a creep those days this goes through my head. I'm stealing, stalking, lying, abusing, selfish, cruel and worry about my own sorry ass, but mostly just angry at the jerks on the telly portraying sociopaths as creeps. Self distance, I'm working on it! It's just that it's already too much shit going on in my head and when I start thinking about this I'm really starting to crawl out of my skin. It's offensive and on some, or perhaps quite many levels, this makes me a bad person. I want to believe that I'm a good person, but sometimes I really doubt that I am.