Fade to black

I wish I could just stop stalking people. I've tried to tone it down now, with my latest crush, but it's not exactly easy. He'll go crazy from all the comments I wrote him, once he's back from his trip to wherever far off. I miss him terribly.

Trying to figure out what to say to my therapist later today. About my insomnia, starvation, mood swings, complete lack of control over myself, short term memory loss, my far off future possible suicide plans, recent suicidal thoughts, my plans of getting hearing aid, how far my writing has gone, my new love interest, if we're ever gonna work through traumas like she talked about before, and what more.

I'm listening to my suicide playlist on Spotify. That means I'm a little low right now. I'm tired, and forcing myself to stay awake is getting slightly horrible. Every minute a little harder. Five hours left before I hea over to Visby. Drinking water makes me feel sick, and I still haven't gotten used to these Level cigarettes, I miss my Lucky Strike but they were out of stock so I had to buy another brand. Fucking people are smoking too much during the summers on this island! They're always out of cigarettes in the stores, and I have a bit exclusive taste; I only smoke Lucky Strike or Pall Mall. Preferably the first one. And yes, there's a lot of different tastes to them when you're smoking three packs a day!

I'm whining again. I hate when I do that. Like some spoilt brat complaining about cigarettes and sleep deprivation. I'm gonna have a glass of wine and hide the bottle of vodka for when my mother comes by at noon. Try to keep it down to one or two drinks a day only, mostly because it's harder to stay awake when drunk. But I'd like to just enter that fog and stay in it. I miss it so much.

"Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Goodbye"

Fade to Black - Metallica

I might not be so okay. A lingering sadness inside of me, that I can't really reach. I'm desperate but not willing to change. Feel so completely lost in the leftover vibrations after strong emotions, that thing that happens when I'm shutting down to restart again. One of those subconcious survival instinct. I wish that would shut down too. I don't want to survive more shit. What's the point of that? I'm tired of living as a human, I just want to go home.