My mother called my doctor about the medicine causing my manic episode, and when I called her today she said she had gotten a hold of my doctor. Her reply was that it is very unlikely, almost impossisble for the medicine to have caused that.
I didn't know what to say. I thought I knew myself pretty well by now... but shit just keeps on happening! I have no idea what so ever why this occured! It's creeping me out, and I'm getting more and more scared of myself. First all those heinous thoughts and fantasies about murder and turture and now this. I'm fucking creeping myself out completely. What the hell is going on exactly?
I'm completely unpredictable, even to myself.
From one thing to another... I've been having these feelings for someone, almost as if I'm falling in love. I hate it, I don't want it and I'm definately too unstable already as it is. But I think this is starting to get out of hand, though I've tried everything I can to prevent this. I haven't been in love for two and a half years, and that was the best there is. I can't handle this, cause I know where it's gonna end, the way it always does. Only once in my life have I been in love with someone who loved me back and that relationship turned to a complete disaster. Love is the most painful feeling I have ever felt and since my last heart break led me to five suicide attempts in eight months, I really want to stop this ASAP. Did I mention he's unobtainable? No, well there it is then.
I'm always living on borrowed time just a heartbeat away from suicide, but it can always get worse. And I'd feel like an idiot if I know my next heart break was something I had literally caused myself... well, I think you get the idea.
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