It's my problem

I don't think I can read lips, but it's harder to hear what someone says when I can't look at them directly in the face, and often I seem to find myself staring at their mouth. So maybe it's not exactly lip reading, but whatever it is I'm doing it's working. It's easier to hear what someone says when I can also see what they say, but if I can't hear them at all and only see the speech I don't understand a daft. Maybe it could be a good thing to learn? Lip reading, I mean. It seems kind cool too. I've always thought on some level that it could be helpful, but most of my life I've just thought that I'm hearing good enough as it is. Yeah, right. I must be annoying the crap out of people always expecting everyone to remember which ear is which, to speak clear and one at a time. Is it completely impossible for me to NOT be a selfish asshole and think for a minute?

Yeah I think I'm finally starting to actually realise this problem and how in affects my life. And also what I can do to improve things. I've always thought that since my hearing is on a normal level and therefor not an actual hearing problem. I do remember that when I was together with Robin, he thought I should get some help for it, since his sister was also hearing impaired and his whole family had some knowledge about it. But I just discarded it, for whatever the reason was. The problem is the way I percieve what I hear (or don't hear), and that problem is in fact real and it won't go away by denying it. Nor will I out grow it. It's kind of permanent, and sometimes I think I'm a little too used to it. Almost expecting everyone to have a full understanding and undeniable sympathy. As I said, time to stop being an asshole, perhaps. After all, it's MY problem, not everyone elses.

So I'm planning on stop whining and making excuses. And maybe... just maybe I'll actually pay a visit to some ear-doctor or whatever and find out if there's any hearing aid I can get. Might be worth trying, I think. I mean what's the worst that could happen? If it doesn't work then nothing has changed. Would I be scared of hearing differently? Probably, but I do a lot of scary things to myself on a daily basis so I don't see why not really. I have to at least try to look forward and not only wallowing myself in self-pity.

I just love these little moments of clarity! They're so... clear! in lack of a better word. Maybe Im really not a hopeless case after all. Maybe all I needed was a little faith in myself and something to look forward to. But I know this is the easy part, the hard part is keep fighting when I'd much rather wither away in my own filth. Unfortunately, I have more days of the latter kind. But I have to focus on these better days, burn them into my memory to always remember when I feel like crap and wanna tear the world in pieces. That's the hardest part.