Outside

So I'm out of the psych-ward for now, though I'll be going back and forth a few times over the weekend. As of now I have no wish to die, and things seem to go in the right direction. A lot of changes are being made. Finally, the people in Huddinge are starting to realise my situation and get their asses off their comfy chairs and do what they should have done years ago! That's right, they've finally opened their eyes! The transsexual department whatever in Huddinge will finally give me hormones and they're talking about surgery this autumn. It still hasn't really sunk in yet. Am I dreaming? Is this for real? Will it actually really happen, I mean like in reality? When the doctor at the ward asked me how I feel about it I could just say: it's a dream come true.

Now you'll probably hate me, but I think Satan may have had something to do with this. I mean, they have sat on their asses without lifting a finger for three years in Uppsala and when I moved here and changed team to Huddinge nothing happened for another year. First it just took a while (six months) just to get an appointment, then I got on a first meeting in January and they had to wait for Uppsala to send all the papers they needed. Five months later Uppsala still hadn't sent those papers. Somewhere around then I became a Satanist and just kinda carefully asked Satan if he could possibly help me on that matter. Now, a month later: they've sent the papers, Huddinge got them, and understands and takes me suddenly very serious (almost to the point they kick themselves for not getting things going a lot earlier), sent a referral to endocrinologist and put me up for a new meeting in late August for talking about surgery. Yeah, I think my new heathen god had something to do with it, and if he did, he really saved my life.

I have to leave the Church of Sweden. I mean, come on, a Satanist in a Christian church? I've wanted to leave it for a long time, but now I have some damn good reasons to, except that I just want to leave, that is.

What else is new? Oh, yes. I met a girl in the psych-ward, that I really like. I mean, really like. So I'm going bisexual again. Dafuq? I wish I could just make up my damn mind about it! I was just getting comfortable being gay, and then I have to go and get lost in an adorable, amazing, young womans brown eyes. That's life. There's no use trying to make sense of it. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying though! So yeah, I'm the usual me when it comes to affection, I fall head over heals before I even know how to spell the person's name. I've known of her since... erh... Monday 17th, when they combined the two wards.

First time I saw her it was the day I was mute. I really wanted to say hello, but all I could do was wave. Then it took a few days, or maybe it was a week? before we talked, and just a few days ago when I finally started to crawl out of my dark despair, we kind of connected. I was so nervous yesterday when I tried to find her somewhere in the ward to ask for her phone number before I would leave. I couldn't find her, so I just sat out in the yard where one can smoke, and downed half a pack of cigarettes. Yeah, pathetic, I know, I'm depressed and weird allover. Today when I woke up and noticed I sort of clinged to the ward, like stroking the walls avoiding to tell the staff exactly when I planned to go home, I suddenly saw her in a corner. So I just (no, not "just" cause it was one hell of an effort) walked over there and told I was getting out and I actually mustered to ask for her number, and I got it!

I know perhaps the psych-ward is probably not the best hook-up place, and I doubt this will lead to some sort of romance, but if it's what they say: "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" then I'd say there are worse places to find someone! Right now I'm more worried about her. She said she'd been there for a while and hasn't gotten any better. I won't write any personal stuff we discussed here, cause what happens in the psych-ward stays there! Secrecy or just common courtesy, I won't write why she's there. But I do worry, and I really hope she'll get better soon so maybe we could meet one day, outside of the locked doors.