Hurt *trigger warning*

I don't think I've realised just how much I'm self harming. Cause, yeah I haven't cut myself for five months up until recently, but I've definately been self harming. Just thinking about it, I do it all the fucking time. All the time.

- Usually when I get angry I hit things, bang my fists into furniture, walls or whatever is closest, and I know I do it for the pain. 
- Same with banging my head, in walls mostly, or the floor depending on where I am. That is highly effective cause of the headache I already have, and I'm scared of making it worse, but I just can't stop.
- My fingers are always on my lips ripping them to pieces. Most of you who have met me IRL knows what I'm talking about. I do that all the time, every day, and it's definately a form of self harm. Most don't peg it as that, cause it doesn't look like that I suppose, but since my lips are always aching and bleeding... yup.
- Even my smoking is a form of self harm for me, since one of the strongest reasons why I smoke is because it's supposed to be dangerous. If I'm really lucky, I'll even die from it... some day.
- I take overdoses, mostly of my medication, every now and then. Poisoning myself one way or the other, I've even drunk sink cleaners. I don't recommend that one. (Or the others for that matter!)
- Sometimes I get really damn drunk cause of the same reasons, fuck myself up on purpose.
- When I don't have razors and need that "quick fix" it can happen that I burn myself with cigarettes.

This list can go on forever. Most of these are some sort of pseudo-suicide, by which I mean I don't try to kill myself, but try kill something inside me, a part of me. But it may look or seem like a suicide attempt. Like when I at a point took an overdose of my sleeping pills with the motivation "I just want to sleep, it doesn't matter if I'll never wake up", which ment the intention wasn't to die, but it would have been a bonus.

I never really new on a consious level just what the fuck I'm doing to myself. Maybe I didn't want to know just how self destructive I am. I've been doing this since I was a kid, I think what started this was when I leaned my head towards the window in the car-door and it hurt from it being kinda bumpy and stuff on the road. Instead of stop doing that, I kept doing it, cause I liked how that pain felt. I think I was about seven then.