Okay this is starting to freak me out! I can't stop laughing! This week has been the most horrible, fascinating, adventuring, painful, exhausting, liberating, self realisation I've completely lost my mind kind of week. How about a little summary:
- Friday: full blown mania for the first time in my life.
- Saturday: thought that starving myself might be fun, but today I'm just gonna decrease my food intake.
- Sunday: realizing I'm falling in love with someone again, to my absolute horror.
- Monday: fell down into deep depression, wanted to die, tried out six different self harm methods all in one day, including that I started starving myself.
- Tuesday: entusiastically starving myself and being very creative and energized by... nothing?
- Wednesday: surfing on the feeling of just the right amount of depression/anxiety, counting calories in cups of tea, finding out more about my phobias, still starving.
- Thursday: crashed in the bathroom due to the starving, crawled into bed for sleep, woke up and started eating again before my brain melts.
- Friday: finding out which demon I am, starting to really feel those butterflies in my chest while thinking of *him*, realizing I really want to stop self harming.
- Saturday: first time in ever wanting to do something about this hearing impairment of mine, get loads of writing-creativity and a weird state of being both manic and depressed at the same time, and then I get this strange insomnia thing.
- Sunday: after being awake for almost 40 hours I suddenly realise this is a new way of self harm, which completely cracks me up and here are we now.
I think what got me laughing so hard (honestly I kept on cackling manically for like half an hour, it was very liberating!) has to do with that realising I'm on a new pattern of self harm with this "insomnia" almost fourty hours after declaring that I really want to stop self harming just was so... funny. My mind is playing tricks on me, almost like it's resisting itself in some absurd way. Okay I know I have a slight case of split personality, but half the time I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or what I have done. Feels like someone else just comes in and takes over every once in a while. I just checked out Dayviews and saw I had new comments on something or someone I commented. Thing is, I don't recall making that statement and it's really weird shit I've been writing. I lose time and think it's 03.00 pm but it's actually 02.00 am. I think I really start losing my mind.
This has been a great week! No actually I mean it, it's made me realise, accept and decide a lot of things I never thought about or had the curage to do before. I've never laughed and cried so hard for a very long time and letting all that out has let off a lot of inner pressure. I can't understand what the fuck is going on and creeping myself out with these extremes, yet I think it has been quite an adventure. I mean, not so many people are having a rollercoaster ride including every possible human emotion and state of mind in just one week while sitting in front of a computer, am I right?
So it's daytime again, how did that happen?
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