I don't want to sleep anymore. I can't take anymore nightmares. I feel like a small child crawling up in my parents bed, sobbing in the middle of the night. Except that I don't. I wake up midday, shaking while I lit a cigarette and write about it on my computer. This is really starting to get out of hand. Usually when I drink I sleep heavy and don't remember any dreams afterward. Not tonight. Tonight I had a dream about my mother torturing me. I was tied to a chair when she took my hands and pressed them so hard I started to cry, stuck a knife under my fingernails, cut me and then took a chainsaw. I woke up just as it touched my head. It felt so real I had to check if I had any marks on my body. I've had nightmares every night for the last week, before then I had nightmares almost every night. Some of them I can put up with, like going somewhere in the dream and getting lost, or being chased by someone dangerous. Probably cause I've gotten used to them. But I can't get used to realistic dreams about torture, rape and murder involving family members. It's not just this one night, it's been like this for weeks, but worse lately.
Good thing I've got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, maybe she's got any ideas what to do about this. Meanwhile I think I'll start drinking coffee again, and with it I will get more headaches, tremors and harder to concentrate. But I don't mind. Anything to stay awake.
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