Taking its toll

I will kill myself if I get denied treatment for my transsexualism due to any of my other mental conditions. And I don't mean I'll go 'boohoo' and swallow all my pills again where someone can find me before it's too late. I'm gonna hang myself, locked in my bedroom at a time I am absolutely certain I won't be disturbed for hours. The reason I'm writing this is that a lot of shit just seems to get worse, and I would really need to get this Anna-business looked over. I won't get well if I keep on lying about her, and if I can't get more stable than this I think they will just keep on postponing my treatment until they think I'm stable enough to go through with it. This is a horrible catch 22 thing, a basically unsolvable dilemma. I don't know how much more time I can give them to decide what they're gonna do with me. It's been four years, and a part of me has already given up. But the other part, the part of me that fights for my life won't give up that easily. I think I can give it one, maybe two years at the very most. If I don't have legally prescribes hormones by the next summer... I don't think it's ever going to happen. If that is going to be the case, I won't stay here for much longer. This is the most important thing in my life, I'd kill a cat for it. It is that important, but obviously it doesn't matter what I say to them.

It's so very cold. It's been almost 48 hours since I last slept, and not even a full glass of Jägermeister could make me fall asleep. I don't want to and I'm scared to. So I kept myself awake with all that alcohol in me wearing off, thinking of "Nightmare on Elm Street" when the kids shot themselves full of adrenaline to stay awake. I'm almost at that point now. I'm afraid of dreaming just like they were in the movie. I hate sleeping, unless it's drug induced dreamless sleep.

Oh, it's raining. The bible holding up my window will probably get wet. Whatever. I've finally found a useful purpose for that book. I'm gonna go out in that rain and just feel the drops on my face and in my hair. I just love the rain. The air gets so clear, it smells nice and the sound of heavy rain is very soothing and comforting to me.

48 hours and 30 minutes now. I'm starting to get some strange, and not so strange symptoms. I have slight tremors in my whole body, I can only move extremily slowly, it's hard to focus, my body is numb yet aching, my libido is completely gone and my vision is mildly distorted. Or rather distorted. Pictures of peoples faces changes shape as if I saw them through water. Everything seems to be moving in soft, flowing movements with little glitches of double-vision and an extra layer of random patters like henna over everything, which is making me kind of seasick. Reading this text is making me nauseous, the words won't keep still! I'm not really awake and not really asleep, but somewhere in between.