Degrees of awfulness

I'm starving myself as a means of self harm. Two days without any kind of food, 60 hours to be precise. Just wanna see how long I can resist the urge to eat, wanna see what happens and how long I can go before crashing. I drink tea though, and water, but that's it.

I can't tell if it's food or newly cut grass I smell from outside my window. Just realizing how smoking effects my sense of smell. Can hardly remember what it was like to be able to smell someone's perfume from across a long corridor, the smell from the pizzeria a block away or my one day old garbage from the stairs outside my apartment. That I'm glad for. I still have an enhanced sense of smell, but a lot less prominent.

I'm down on 74 kg sharp now, the lowest since my weight gain. I'm just scared I will gain weight again when I start eating, cause let's face it: I won't be able to live on tea and cigarettes for all eternity.

I think I figured out why I can't seem to learn from my mistakes. Cause even though I remember very clearly what happened and when, I can't remember what it felt like. I've read through some of my old diaries from times when I was the most unstable, depressed, assaulted, chaotic and I read about how I described what I felt, but I just can't remember it. Maybe I on some subconcious level block it out cause of the particular degree of awfulness. That would be understandable, but it's still annoying. I want to feel every horroble emotion I've ever had over and over again, really dig deep into it and maybe I'll actually learn something from it, or at least remember to avoid going through that exact same thing allover again. But no...! Repeat and repeat and repeat. Until I'm so damaged I have to live a padded cell for the rest of my life. In a straight jacket. Pumped full with medicine enough to kill a horse. I think I would beg for euthanasia.