My mixed emotions are back

Okay I feel like crap after watching that damn movie. I didn't know it was a horror movie, or any of it's content except from a very breaf description. I emidiately like the little girl Max, she was so sweet, protecting, brave and I realised already from the start that she was gonna be the hero and I was right. That was the only good thing about that movie. Funny thing though, I knew exactly what was gonna happen or be said a few seconds before itt occured. It wasn't those ordinary things like "he's gonna survive" but more like "I think she's actually an adult in a childs body" stuff. That was a bit interesting due to the fact that I knew nothing about the film before hand. But it was so horrible, not the actual events, cause a little blood, gore and murder is nothing I usually cringe before. No, it was that it was done to children. Most of the time I looked away, just couldn't... I think I might be developing some parental instincts. Believe it or not, I seem to have a biological clock too.

I've been awake for 26 hours and now I'm so fucking jaded I'll probably be up for at least another 5 hours. So what's this then? Insomnia? I pray to Satan it's not! I'm too fragile for this. Yeah, that's right I admit it, I'm as fragile as a wine-glass, and yeah, that hurts my manliness a little bit. I've always hated that, feeling weak and fragile, like some... no I can't say that, you'll hate me. Even when I thought I was a girl I hated being weak. I did everything I fucking could to prove everyone I was as tough as the boys, the other boys. Failed miserably of course, though I had my moments! Getting even with bullies, working my ass off at karate lessons and winning one or two arguments.

Now if I could just get the shakes to chill a bit... watching a lovely self harm related gif on tumblr without wanting to harm myself. That's comforting.

Lydia, that must be the most beautiful name in this world. Lydia... not sure about it's origin though. If I will ever have a daughter, I'd name her Lydia.

I think writing this made me bit calmer. Writing is an awesome form of therapy!