Downward spiral

I was on my way down town to buy some liquor just now, in the middle of the day. Bought four bottles. As I was strolling and dodging passing cars (my reactions are a little on the slow side) I just thought of the idea that I was some kind of a master of self destruction. This week has just been phenomenal that way. I don't want to cut myself anymore, and that's really good! It's what I do to compensate it that is not so good. Dehydration, starvation, keeping myself awake for as long as possible, sitting/standing in a bad posture to get more pain, and now booze. I honestly don't know what to do. It's like I can't control it, it just happens. I didn't realize what I was doing at Systembolaget at 13.30 until I was halfway home. I didn't know I chose to have insomnia after I had been awake for 40 hours, I didn't think of my starvation as self harm until two weeks after I started it. I'm in a downward spiral and I'm falling quickly.

This is a nightmare, this isn't what I wanted. I want to be free of self harm, not just finding new ways to harm myself. I don't know how to stop this. Though I know one way, but I don't want to go there yet. As I stated in another blog entry not so long ago, I don't want to spend the summer hospitalized. But do I want to spend it starving, sleepless and constantly drunk? Choices...

I've been very productive the last twenty hours though, my creativity is faster than my ability to get it into the computer. In this pace, my book will be completed before the end of the summer. (If I'm not hospitalized, that is). I've basically written three quarters of it already in about three months. All I have left is some parts of the gymnasium/young adult period, some information stuff and something that will depict how my life has been the latest year or two. And then just wrap it up together, correct it and put the chapters in the right order.

My body hates its mind, and my mind hates its body. At least it's mutual. I can really feel how pissed off my body is at my mind. It's shivering though it's like 25 degrees outside, very weak, tired, hungry and aching. And I just tell it I want it to suffer. Yeah, I'm actually talking to my body... out loud, in front of the people there down town. They gave me some funny looks, but I'm not sure if it was because of the weird talking, or the fact that I was wearing all black complete with sunglasses and gave off strong, dark vibes. I feel more like a demon than human right now, and I constantly think people can see my true form. But if they did, they wouldn't just look at me in a funny way, they would more likely be fainting. So no, not even close to possible, it's just me being paranoid.

I almost couldn't stop myself from laughing when the crew just rang and asked me if I had eaten. I said I tried (which I actually did) but failed and she asked if I was drinking at least, like tea or water. I was just "yeah I'm drinking alright", sipping from my Smirnoff Ice. When she said that was good, I basically had to smother myself to not laugh.