Twisted and broken

I can't stand myself. All this shit is blocking my mind. There's too many thoughts, too many complicated philosophical questions, too much analyzing, too many emotions eating at my soul. My dark corrupted soul. I am a good person, I still believe that and I don't doubt it. My heart is good, it's just a little frozen right now, but my soul has always been a little... demonic. I shut down after one too many heartbreaks, and yeah that can happen. I just decided to not let anyone inside it, never give it to someone who doesn't already have it. It's a psychological defense mechanism, much like apathy or phobias. I don't even know if it was truly a choice I made or something that happened to me. It doesn't matter, it is what it is.

I can't break out, my mind is prison, my body is a prison. I'm broken and I don't think it's fixable, but maybe it is. I'm so used to living like this, so used to being a stranger in my own mind. So I can't even imagine what life could be like if I wasn't sick anymore. Maybe they'll come up with some radical cure for asperger, maybe I can make my borderline symtoms more manageable and go through with the sex change I need so bad. Though I think it's impossible I still think it should be doable. It could be possible, right? Maybe not the cure thingy, but the other two? I think so, or at least I think that I think so. Could it be that just hoping, wishing and working my ass off for it, could be enough?

I feel drained, like I've been pulled to pieces, soaked in water and put back together again. Well at least I've been put back together again. Trying to force myself to think positively, but it's not really working. My life sucks. Everything is meaningless. Even dying is meaningless. I don't know where I stand right now, somewhere between apathy and boredom, between hopelessness and wanting to change my situation, between eagerness and resignation. Between all emotions is only emptiness, a void between places and time.

And of course I always find out new surprises about myself. So many surprises I'm not surprised by them anymore. ”Oh, I didn't know that, *sigh* but why should I care?” It's not like it changes anything, not like it could get any worse. No, I don't learn from any of my mistakes, I know that as soon as I say ”it can't get any worse” it's like saying ”at least I can swim” a moment before you drown. It's the worst thing you can ever believe in, thinking you're at the bottom with nothing more to lose. Cause when yo're saying that, that is when you lose even more. Cause you always have something to lose, and that goes for everone. But I still think it, that it can't get any worse. I still fall for the same trap over and over again.

I realised Anna hasn't been with me since birth, she came to me when I was nine, not long after I was assaulted at school that spring in 1998. But oh well, so I probably have some sort of split personality thing going on. Right, whatever. It doesn't change anything. Right...?

I'm still scared of telling my therapist about that, afraid it would fuck up my right to have that sex change if it's stated that I have some sort of split personality thing. Cause if there's another persona in me who's female, I don't think they'll let me go through that. And that would be devastating and yet another reason for suicide. Don't think I want more reasons for that. But it's killing me to keep it a secret, cause I always have to watch out for what I say in the therapy sessions. It's hard to say how I figured something out when it was Anna who came up the idea, it's hard to say how my thoughts are running when it's actually conversations between me and Anna.

No I don't react the way I usually would when discovering new things like that. I just shrug my shoulders and the only thing that shakes me up is when Anna yells at me to fucking react you useless piece of shit, taunting me until I give in or come up with a new cleaver insult that would make her shut up. We always argue about everything, and we almost always disagree with one another. We can fight for hours until one of us finally caves in and agree to disagree. I hate being the one who gives up, and she hates being the one who gives up. That's our constant war in my head, to which she promptly replies: our head. Usually followed by something insulting. But what difference does it make if I say my head or our head? Not like anyone cares. Not like she's real or something, yet she's real to me but not to anyone else. Yeah I know that everyone thinks that, and it's not like I can prove it either. Cause I don't know either, maybe she is an actual person of her own, or maybe she's a divided part of my personality. So significantly divided I can't tell if she's real or not.

Goddamnit! See what I did there? I can't stop thinking, explaining, analysing... why can't I just stop this insane ranting? I don't like it anymore and it gives me headaches.