Driving myself insane again

17:22

Feeling better today. Fell asleep dizzy and nauseous in the early morning when it was so cold in my apartment I could see my breath after watching the first two The Saw movies and taking my second shower that day. It took me long enough to fall asleep but then I slept good until I got up around half past two and woke up feeling rested and almost a bit alert. Since then I've had a cup of tea and eight cigarettes. No make that nine. My mouth is a bit dry so I think I'll make myself another cup of tea.

19:30

Started a new account on Flashback which took three days before I could use it (stupid forum rule), so today I've posted nine messages on various threads. Wrote a reply to a guy with rape plans and fantasies where I called him a pathetic wuss who would never actually go through with it cause he's just a lovesick teenager who thinks he's such a badboy and blaming this on his asperger. I said blaming rape plans on asperger is like saying you're a thief beacause you have diabetes. Kinda funny I was the only one in that thread who actually came up with concrete facts about why he's so tragic without freaking out about his inhumanity. I love that you can come up the most insane insults and stupid remarks without being banned from there, cause everyone there does. I'm completely anonymous there of course. Kind of love that forum.

20:30

It's getting cold now. I have my window open all the time to get some air circulation, cause no matter how much I want to be able to live on breathing tobaco that isn't a very good idea. Heard rumors about oxygen is a good thing even for smokers. So it's constantly cold in my apartment, especially at night, I think it could drop to 10-15 degrees at it's coldest. I wear a warm sweater underneath a fleece robe and a teddy blanket over that. It works, except my hands reach room temperature and loses mobility, so I have them tighly clasped around a hot cup of tea every now and then.

02:19

I don't know what is wrong with the time zone setup on this blog, cause somehow I seem to go back in time when I post my entries. I think it's a four hours time warp, or something. I have to wind down somehow, cause I need to go to bed a little earlier tonight and reading weird stuff on the internet isn't gonna make me sleepier. Neither will my fucked up thoughts, fantasies and plans that are driving me insane. I'm scaring myself with that shit and right now I just want it to stop, then I can elaborate what's going on in my head when I see my therapist (or whatever her title is) tomorrow. Just hope she won't get scared of me or something... this is kinda heavy shit, but I just need to get it out of me and I don't have the courage to tell my mom about it. I know I won't find enough rest to be able to sleep unless my brain stops fucking with me.

End of entry: 02:50