Master the chaos

I feel safe in hospital clothes cause they are from the hospital and therefore they should take care of me.

It's so strange how the world around me seem to fall apart when I fall apart and always at night when there's no one to call or ask for help. At Friday I fell apart on the floor and when the people that care for me where I live had just got off work and headed home to their families, things got out of hand. In this apartment all wires to lamps, computer, microwave, electric kettle, everything goes to the same fuse for some really stupid reason (what were they thinking?) It went out a few weeks ago, not so strange cause of all that stuff sucking the life out of it. But this Friday it died again and crying and screaming I called my mother for help and advise, in the middle of the night. She was half asleep but still did her best to try and help me figure out how to change the fuse.

Yesterday the new fuse died, also during the night but at least this time I knew how to change it but it didn't change how furious and upset I was that the last one only lasted for one fucking day. This was the night when I thought I was gonna die, I had no one to turn to cause it was in the middle of the night and I was scared and tired and just wanted to die and make all this shit stop.

Today I was "fine" or at least coping until my internet connection just stopped working and I went up to check that all the cables or wires was where they should but it didn't help at all. So I tried to see if I could restart it somehow but I just don't know my way around complicated technology like this so I gave up. Didn't wanna make it worse. Once again I cursed everything, yelled and hit things, just wanted to tear the whole world apart. I just can't understand how this world around me just falls into pieces simultaneously as I do and always at night. I just can't understand I just can't understand...

There was nothing I could do. Who do you call in the middle of the night when your internet connection is malfunctioning and you just can't stop screaming and crying and breaking things to unrecognisable pieces? Who do you call then, huh?

I decided to just put on my boots, take my keys, lock the door and start walking. Out of this place, anywhere but here. Just walk it off, walk it off. With blood running down my arms, freezing cold wearing only clothes successfully stolen from the psychiatric ward in Ulleråker and a morning robe wrapped around. My eyes had barely dried up and all the time I whispered to myself in a mantra instead of thoughts. Constantly smoking and rambling nonsense and words of painful truths about the dead of night, the full moon, what life is all about and how fucked my life is. That I'm a bloody mess, just a fucking mess trapped in this endless chaos.

There's no order in this world, no boundaries and everyone who think they have boundaries that they should follow has missed what life is all about. It's about constantly breaking them and moving without going anywhere. There's no destiny, no fate and nothing happens for a reason. It's all just messed up and we're not here to create order - we're here to master the chaos. And those who don't... well ain't I a perfect example?

As I got back home again the internet was fine and just can't help but wondering: was it ever at fault?

All the shit I've been through this night, this weekend, this week just adds up to the most important question: is my life really worth living?