Heaven or Hell

I am quite certain there is a God, because there's so much I can't explain in any other way. Where would the world and all life have come from? I've been guided and tempted by forces I can only explain as God and his opposite.

But just because I believe there is a God, doesn't mean that I like him, but I don't dislike him either. I think he's unfair to have put me in so many rough situations through my life, but I'm greatful for the help and comfort he's given me. I was confirmed actually, because I wanted to find a way to become friends with God the christian way. Wanted to know what I was supposed to do to not feel like I was punished for something. But I got no answers. They thought the fault was on me, but I thought the fault was on God that was so picky about who and how I was supposed to be.

I eventually gave up on that and decided to go my own way instead. Got into discussions with an acquaintance who was a satanist, during my gymnasium time, and then saw things from a new point of view. Satan seemed less judging of his followers, you are the way you are and that's fine. Nothing wrong being a little damaged, and these so called sins wheren't actually that bad at all in his eyes. Or, they were bad in a good way. With my twisted views on morals and strange reasoning I kinda liked the guy. Yet satanism didn't really feel like my kinda thing either, cause I didn't wanna change the way I was. Didn't wanna get more evil or good or any other diversity.

I've always been drawn to the outer extremes and jumped between christianity and satanism and couldn't understand why they were two different religions. I mean in order to be a christian one has to admit that satan exists, and in order to be a satanist one has to admit that god exist. They're two faces of the same coin.

My problem has always been this. Choices. If it was possible I would not choose anything. Ever. To always leave all options open and walk inbetween everything. To be both at the same time.

There is no perfect religion for me. I walk on both sides with God to my left and Satan to the right. At least right now it's that way, cause I can't really hear what God says over there on my left (my deafness, you know) and all Satan says is kinda clear. But they switch places every now and then. I don't know if either of them wants me in their kingdoms, and I don't know where I wanna go either. I'm a good hearted sinner, a corrupted saint, I just don't belong in either religion yet no other.

Can a reincarnated demon born in Hell find a place in Heaven? Obviously I could, since that was Dala. But I was shunned from there somehow, so where the fuck am I now? Have both sides shunned me, or is that entirely up to me? Since I've been in both places I wonder why the hell I'm in this place. There's so much I can't understand. I've been chasing these two forces for an eternity, will I ever find my answers?

Just got it. They're observant! I will know the day I die.




Soundtrack: Iron Maiden - The thin line between love and hate