At this point I've become more suicidal, and all because of the pain of living in this wrong-gendered body. I don't just hate it, I'm disgusted, ashamed, sad and even guilt plays into it. This isn't working anymore. I try to think positively, but I've lived in this limbo far too long now. I never thought it would take this long, 4 damn years have gone and nothing has changed.
Sure, being borderline, depressed and having asperger has taken it's toll. But the depression is actually just a symptom of living with all the other shit, so is being suicidal and self harming. It's a way of coping when you can't cope. But I get help for all of that now, with therapy, medication and the daily help I get where I live (maybe it could be called a halfway house for the insane?) This is the real issue, since everything else is going in the right direction but this is holding me back.
How am I supposed to repair my brain if my body keeps bringing me down?
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to end it. End this misery of living half a life, hiding under clothes that gives me the look of a body I don't have, showering with the lights off and everytime I have sex with someone I feel really horrible afterwards because of this. All they see is a girl and I can't really blame them. But the reality of being fucked like girl when you're not hurts like hell.
This pain inside that rips me to pieces is unbearable. I try not to think of it, just living like a normal guy, but all I can think of is that I'm trapped in this horrible body and it's ruining my life. Whatever is left to ruin.
If I can't feel safe in my own body, then where?
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