Tired from sleeping

Really well done John, fall asleep at 11:00 and getting up at 20:30. Now that is a day well spent!

No. This ain't good. I would have stayed in bed over the night as well, if it wasn't for all those fucked up dreams I had. Woke up scared, sweating with my heart beating it's way out of my chest, and screaming, a few times. Think it was four different dreams all together but it could have been more, about all sorts of creepy things. Mistreated and abused by people without faces, judged and accused of things I didn't do, and therefor punished. Really punished, at the point of bleeding in agony. Not so strange I woke up screaming.

I usually don't have nightmares/night terrors like that anymore, but I guess my sleeping pattern and lack of food can mess up anyones dreams. I mean, it's always weird dreams one way or another, but they're mostly just weird without being scary. Sometimes they're not really nightmares, but down right disgusting. Like one particular dream I had a few weeks ago that I still remember because of just how utterly disgusting it was. In the dream I was a five year old boy who got raped by his father. But that's not all, this boy I was raped his nine year old sister also. Like ten times before I woke up. The most horrible about this dream was how I chased that little girl around as she tried to hide from me.

This is one of the reasons why I hate sleeping. This is why I stay up late at night even when I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. This is why I strongly prefer a dreamless sleep. I fucking hate dreaming, and it makes me more tired when I've woken up than I was before falling asleep. I don't get much rest from sleeping. And that is saying a lot concidering I don't get much rest from being awake either.

Lately I've been starting to have feelings for someone unobtainable again. This time I won't let me fall. If it means torturing myself with the memories of the heart break that led me to five suicide attempts in a year. I can't fall in love, I just mustn't. I made a promise, a promise worth keeping, and I don't break promises. Ever. I'm too broken for love.

Listening to "Downtrodden" by Abney Park on repeat.

Once I was complete
With the earth firm under my feet
My back was strong, my body fleet
Now I ache allover
Now I ache allover

I learned each virtue I was told
I worked hard to avoid the mold
But as I saw my life unfold
There was no place for me
There was no place for me

I've been beat, I've been broken
I asked for a place and the world has spoken
I was asleep, but now that I've woken
I preferred my dreams

I'm tired of guilt, I'm tired of crying
I'm tired of work, and I'm finished trying
I'm tired of living, and I'm scared of dying
But there is nothing else

It was hard as I begun
Each day harder it has become

When I googled the lyrics various websites had added much more text and in a different order. But listening to the song, this is what he's actually singing.