Live and lose

I don't have to tell my therapist everything, right? My plans about performing a satanic ritual involving blood-letting (self injury), my increasing weight loss obsession, that I don't want to study or care about my grades or sitting in a sterilized class room with demon-killing-lights, my consistently dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and indifference to almost everything, or my very strong suicidal thoughts? No, maybe I don't have to mention everything.

But how much better will I feel if I keep on lying, giving promises I know I won't keep and pretend to feel better than I do? I don't want them to kick me out of the DBT because of my indifference to improve my life right now. If they do I'm really chanceless. Then I'm lost, a hopeless case.

Speaking about weight loss obsession, I found out today that I've lost 5 kg and landed on 75 kg! Only fifteen left to go then. (Started at 80 kg and my goal is 60 kg). Since I've already lost a quarter this might actually be doable. As of now, I'm still not exercising worth a damn, so dieting alone gave me this result. A diet of roughly 500 calories a day, no unhealthy fats and almost no sugar. Lots of vegetables, milk and whole grain bread. I'm not exactly counting calories (suck at math), but I've become somewhat picky, to say the least.

My goals right now (long term and short term):
- get the body I want by any means necessary
- write that damn autobiography
- try to survive through the summer
- to turn the clock around and change the night into day
- tattoo "28.06.42.12" on my arm, "My world, my rules" with blood spatter on my chest and a pair of torn demon wings on my back
- make the winters warmer
- learn Russian

So you see there's still things I really want in this life, and some of these goals will take years and a lot of effort to finish. And some of these goals are by definition impossible, but since I think they says a lot about me, they can stay. But there are no long term goals to fill out a whole life. This will only fill out the next five or ten years. The rest lies in an unpredicted darkness.