Overwhelming

I want to cut myself so bad right now. It's overwhelming and cruel how intense this feeling is. Don't know if anything triggered me. I was just writing on my blog (the entry before this). I'm listening to a beautiful cover version of the song "Over the misty mountains" from the first film of "The Hobbit". It gives me major shivers that starts in my face and then moves down through my shoulders, back, arms, hands and ends in my finger tips that touches my face. Over and over again. That is an overwhelmingly, amazingly positive emotion. Yet I sit here with the strongest urge in over six months to feel that razor blade breaking through my skin. I'm so ambivalent I can't tell what's black from white.