I'm standing on the border between living my life and giving it all up completely. I live my life, but only partially. I try to hope for a better future that would include K at least in some way or another. I try not to give up on that. But some things I have given up on.
Everything feels shallow, hollow and empty. Meaningless, colourless, tasteless, muted and dimmed. Everything except K, who is like a splash of vibrant colours, black and white. He's my saviour, the only reason that I still haven't given up completely, he's what keeps that small spark in me alive. Snuff it out, and I'll be dead.
I'm hanging by a thread, and it breaks a little more the more time passes and the less that happens. As he shies away from me, and I try to move in closer but get ignored or rejected. As he's getting worse and sicker and closer to his own death, I'm getting closer to mine. I'm synced with him, as I fall down when he does, but sometimes I also do that on my own. It feels as if I'm suffering for two people.
I carry his burden, whether I want to or not, and whether he wants me to or not. It's just the way it is. It's heavy, that burden. So many unsolved issues and issues that most likely can never be solved. Though some can, and all I can do is to pray that he will one day accept help for them, so that he can get better. First of all I just want for him to not suffer, secondly I wish I didn't have to suffer for him and thirdly, I wish I didn't have to suffer at all.
Because both our miseries are linked, as I tear apart whenever he does, probably even when none of us are aware of it. And I want to believe, that whatever I'm feeling all on my own, affects him too somehow. Cause I know that he cares, he's just not that good of showing it at all times. But I know that he does. Cause we talk about me too, and not just about him. I think that at least some part of him wants to be there for me as well, although it is hard for him.
And I respect that and I understand it too, even though we aren't that alike in that area. I'm too shying away when I feel down, but not always, and never from him. He does, he shies away from everyone when he's feeling down, even me. And I hate that, cause for once I just wish he needed me as much as I need him. That we could somehow comfort each other, or anything.
It drives me mad, when he goes into solitude, because all I want to do is to hold him and comfort him. But I want what's best for him, I try to be accepting and do as he wants me to: to stay away. He's hard to love. I always feel so very inadequate and maybe that's because I am, because anyone and everyone is. And I know that no matter how much I truly do love him, it is not in my power to heal him. No matter how fucking much I want to.
And it scares me. It scares me to the brink of falling to pieces every day and night. I hold on for him, I have to. I'll stand by his side forever and ever, and I just want him to know that I care with all of my broken heart and homesick soul, that he's my top priority, the love of my fucking life and most certainly worth fighting for. It's worth the chaos, the confusion, all the time in the world and strength that I don't even know how to summon. But I can't, I just can't let him in on that.
Afraid to scare him away with my otherworldly feelings. Afraid he'll take off and leave me. Afraid he wouldn't even believe me. Afraid he'd somehow take it negatively. That all along I had an agenda, to snare him or something. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm so afraid of. That he'd be scared of me and what I feel for him.
All I know, is that I have to tell him before it's too late, but not too early. It's been almost 2 years of crazy affections, and almost 1 year since I sort of got him on the hook, or what to say. Slowly and carefully I've been trying to show him my world and invite him in. Trying to make him let me into his. I've been aching, longing, wanting, dreaming and hoping for so long now it's like I've forgotten what it was like to not be in love with him.
I want to experience everything I do, think and feel with him. I want to live under the same roof as him, share my whole life with him. I want for him to be a part of everything I am and do. And I also want to be a part of everything he is and does. I want him under my skin, and to be under his skin. That close, as close and intimate as you can possibly be with another person. Physically, yes, but mostly emotionally and mentally.
That is the kind of life that I want to live. That is what I think is worth fighting for, or anything between now and that perfect state. Anything, even the smallest something is worth to go on breathing for. To be just one tiny step closer to him, even for just a minute, or a split second. It could be anything. Simply chatting about ordinary/the usual stuff, or holding his hand, seeing him IRL again and hug him, talking on the phone with him, kissing him, knowing he read a poem that I wrote about/for him, watching a movie together, drinking together, anything really.
It's all worth living, and surviving for. It's all worth fighting for. But sometimes I think I'm fighting a bit too much. It's not a game and I'm not supposed to force him into anything. I should rather ask and accept no for an answer. I just crave it so desperately and want it before we die: closeness with him, any form of intimacy, to let him know how much I love him; even if he wouldn't believe me, even if he would freak out or just not know what to say or do in response. I need for him to know, partially because I want to get it off my chest and also partially, because I want him to know that he's not forgotten, rejected or unlovable.
I really do think he might need to hear it, to know it, even if he won't believe it. Because maybe someday he will then. But all I can give him is time. I try not to overwhelm him. I try to keep it calm and light and worth both of our time. I try to draw it out, letting it out little by little in small gestures that he might or might not pick up on.
I move in closer, then back away to not overwhelm him and to give him space. I try to take a bit of a distance, but it's the hardest thing to do when you're dying to get closer than you've ever been.
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