The end of the world

Knowing that K will always be in my heart and soul doesn't terrify me anymore. It comforts me and I never feel quite alone within myself, cause he's always there, somehow.

Other things terrify me, but no matter what happens, I will never let him go, never completely. I can't just take him out of my heart and soul, he'll always be there, even if anything. If I'd somehow manage to fall for someone else, if my heart would break, if he would die, if I would die. He'll always be with me that way, and that is comforting but also saddening, heavy.

It's heavy to carry and loving has never been easy for me. Easy to fall in love, way too easy, but keep loving someone has always been hard. Not that I would fall out of love, but that it's wearing me down so much. It's a weight that I can't take off, only crumble beneath or find ways to endure.

I worry about the future, my own, his and ours. Not that we have a relationship, but we have something. Friendship, some form of trust, he likes me and I like him more. If something awful happened to one of us the other would be devastated. I truly believe that, not just that I want to, cause I don't work that way. Before, not many months ago, I did not think he would even flinch if something happened to me, but now... it's different now.

So much has changed yet I crave so much more. I wonder if that is right of me, if I should even be allowed to feel this way for someone who might not feel the same. It shouldn't be that way. Hearts are supposed to find each other, not chase each other. I feel like I'm chasing him, trying to turn him towards me and desperately want him to see me the way I see him.

Is it love, is it obsession? I ask myself as I can't think of a truthful enough answer. Because if it is just obsession, then it is just a chase. But if it is love, then the chase would be meaningless. Though I know that, that the chase is meaningless. It's hindering me, it's wrong and it won't lead me anywhere. I'm running in circles around him, cause I've already caught up, if that makes any sense. I don't know.

I only know that I'm there, right beside him, but unable to reach out. Like there's a glass wall between us even though we could be as close to each other that our bodies touch. It scares me, how far away I feel that I am from him. I don't know how to change it, without making it any worse. I want to show him my world, sides of me that not many get to see, but I don't think he wants to know those sides in particular.

And it holds me back. It's like I need to be sure that I'm not making a fool of myself before I go that far. Before I try to break down that glass wall, even if that would mean cutting myself on the broken shards in the process, I just want to know if it's right. My own needs come second and for months, a year and more, I've only put him first and neglected my own needs and desires.

I do it because I care, because I love him so damn much. I can't think clearly when I'm around him, I forget what I want to say, become shyer by the day and I don't know why. It should be the other way around. I'm just scared that if I don't hold my mouth I won't be able to control myself. So I hold it, I hold it until I suffocate.

I know that that is not right, I shouldn't suffocate because I'm scared of letting him know the whole truth. I've given him a glimpse, almost like a whisper. That was all I could do, because after withholding something for 17 months it's very hard to break that barrier completely. No matter how drunk I am, my heart races faster than I can imagine, I get dizzy and it gets hard to swallow, hard not to cry, just by thinking about telling him.

Yes, it does suffocate me, little by little every day, or week at least. It's drowning me and I don't know much longer I can keep doing this. Someday I'll have to let him know. I don't think it would be wrong, just hard. So incredibly hard I can only begin to fathom it, it breaks like shattered glass inside me, like nothing I've ever encountered before.

I hope that by trying, by imagining telling him, over and over I'm going through it in my mind, that I could somehow get used to that thought and it would be easier to actually telling him. To get used to my racing heart, or try to calm it down in the middle of my thought process to then continue. Trying to be realistic, expect a variety of answers: bad, neutral, good, indifferent, none existent, chaotic, calm, terrifying, anything that my mind can possibly come up with.

His reaction is the key to my dreadful anxiety about this. Everything is connected to that. It could be a full sentence, a phrase or just one word. It could break me, and that is what I'm so scared of. That when I finally decide to completely let my guard down before him and spill out everything I want him to know, he would react in some way that would completely break me. That is my nightmare.

It's different, if you just have a crush on someone. It's very different. Cause for me, we're talking unconditional love that not even the end of the world could interrupt. I'll love him no matter what, literally no matter what until my last breath.

I haven't updated you on this for a while, just wanted you to know that despite my anorexia tendencies and obsession with food and weight, K still comes first, he always will.