Why do I not believe that everything is temporary? I've just been seeing that as a tumblr post almost every day now for a while and I'm like "nope, still not gonna reblog". Because I have known and still experience something similar to absolute eternity. Two things I believe can literally last forever: your soul and true love.
Because reincarnation and Caspian. I will always believe in them, I will always believe in Naor and my life back there. But in a sense, everything in this life could be temporary, unless I still love Caspian when or if I get reincarnated again. A love that reaches beyond several incarnations... what is eternity if not that?
Sometimes I wish I had been more experienced when I came to this world. Like how much more experienced can you get? After having lived my life as a watcher, a wise prophet and mischievous guardian for thousands of years or more before I came here. I was an information sponge and gladly shared what I had learned, in Naor. I was an inspiration to many, curious about the world even after having living in that perfect paradise for so long.
How much more experienced can I get? Well, for starters, this life is quite the radical difference and I just simply wish I could have come here a little more prepared. But I have a sensation that that would have been losing the point of coming here. I'm here to learn about living life in almost every aspect as a human being, I'm here to study human beings. If I had come more prepared, what would be the point?
I don't know. But a little warning would have been neat, and that probably would have saved me from a great deal of misunderstanding. If I had gotten the information about my meaning of life before I actually did... Well, I did get the message sometime when I was about 10, I think, but I lost it and had to spend another 8 or 10 years searching for it until I found it again.
That was a bit inconvenient. But on the other hand, I actually fucking managed to figure out the meaning of life. Not many people do. In fact, they are so few that most of them are considered prophets. I'm just an ex-prophet so I don't really wish to become one again. Been there, done that, you know.
Nah, I satisfy with less. Besides, I'm kinda tired of all that attention for something so huge. My memories of Naor still come back to me all the more, it's just that I don't always realise, but it's like every time I think about it, the more I seem to remember.
I can't imagine living without a purpose and those memories. What would life here on earth have been like without that? Would I be happier, or even more lost and confused? Would I even have bothered looking for the meaning of life and other existential questions' answers? I wouldn't have been able to complete my mission, I would not be able to leave (die) until I figured it out.
So maybe in a way I'm glad I figured it out so early in life (I was about 18-20 years old) because that means I have a lot more time to actually complete that mission, at the best of my ability and as much as I even give a damn about it. I live with a purpose, a prophecy hanging over me and long lost memories that suffocate me. Who can anyone blame me for being suicidal more than I'm not?
It's all too much. Stressed out by my mission that I'm not so keep on completing, afraid of dying before I'm 30 years old, missing Caspian sometimes so much that I cry myself to sleep, missing a home that I might never be to return to and that possibly never even was. Living with mental illness and disability. Going through traumas and living with transsexualism. And then this life constantly fucks me over. It's not so strange that I turn to self destruction just to survive. Because self harm and suicide, that is not a part of why my life here sucks, it's the consequence.
Because it's overwhelming and there is no peace for me to find. It's just brutal and raw and I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of Naor, Caspian, and my true form. I will never be able to appreciate this life as much as I appreciated the previous. I wish I could, damn I wish I could.
Not everything is temporary, even though people who only lived this one life as human beings might think so. Not everyone get reincarnated, not everyone remembers it. I can tell though, if someone has an old soul or not. I mean those who are "new" tend to be a bit more childish even in late adult years, gullible even, wanting to change the world but they're also more close minded; while the older ones tend to be more wise and analytical, more accepting of the world as it is, more open minded and in some indescribable way more experienced even if they're young with not that many actual experiences. Most people seem to be in the in between though.
I didn't intend for this entry to become so long (as usual, one could think I should have learned that by now) but oh well. And I came up with all this because of one sentence: "Everything is temporary." and it lead me to my utter disagreement. Most of what I hold dear, has been dear to me for longer than I can possibly grasp. It is eternal, infinite. But how can I know for sure? The future is a mystery that no one can solve before getting there.
I can only guess and hope that my homesickness and love for Caspian won't ever go away, that they will stay with me for the rest of my life and beyond my death. Cause I need to look forward to it, need to hold on to it when everything else is dark and painful. The only true happiness I've ever found. So that when I die, I can rest in peace.
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