Trying my best

I've become cleanlier since the surgery, cause it makes it easier, more enjoyable to shower now that I don't have boobs anymore. But now that my bottom dysphoria has become stronger, it's getting harder again to shower. Have to do it at night with the light turned off then. Again. I try though, to focus on how happy I am with my "new" chest instead. The changes from my beloved testosterone that are worth dying for. That make me not hate myself as much as I did before.

Back then, before transition and when I was overweight, it was very hard for me to shower. Very. I ended up only doing it about once a week which is not quite enough. My dysphoria was so bad that I couldn't look at my body without feeling sick and wanting to throw up. Compared to then, I am happy with the way I look. I just have this one (technically two) things that I want to throw up over and the rest is alright. It's a huge improvement but I keep forgetting that.

I'm so greedy and needy, vain and selfish that it's hard for me to focus on what is good rather than on what is bad. So painfully self aware with such a low self esteem that it's scaring people. Seriously, that is true. They get scared and worried for me because of my poor body image. But it's not always that bad, sometimes when I look in the mirror I think I look alright, sometimes even good. That with clothes on I do look like a guy and my hips don't look too wide.

Depending on what I'm wearing of course then. Track suits don't do me any good, but tight or straight jeans and big sweaters do. Tight shirts combined with loose pants is a no, but button down shirts and black pants is a yes. I know how to dress to make me look/appear more masculine than I actually am. But I long and ache for being able to wear what I fucking want to wear without looking like a curvy girl.

Yeah, I compromise a lot when it comes to my clothing. If it wasn't for my bad passing skills, I would wear tight white jeans and tight shirts. I would wear red pants, feminine cardigans, t-shirts or tank tops with unicorns on. I would wear corsets and lace when going out. I would wear spexy goth make up and maybe have a more alternative and spexy hair style too.

I'm just saying that I don't dress the way I want to. Not really. Sure, I don't force myself to wear ugly clothes or anything, but I do go for a vastly more masculine clothing style just so that I can pass. Sometimes though, I do wear slightly more feminine clothes. Like a cardigan/sweater thing that I found second hand is obviously made for women. And I do have a few women's jeans too, but it's not noticeable, the only difference between those pairs and the one's found in the men's section is that the button is on the other side.

I want to get down to size small or extra small in men's clothing again, and somewhere below 30 inches in pant sizes. I look forward to lose weight like never before, knowing that I'm so damn close now... just 10 more kg to go.

Yeah, I think I'll set my goal to 50 kg rather thah 55 kg. I have to be realistic, by which I mean that 5 kg doesn't do much difference, but 10 kg does. I just hope that that will be enough. Would be a bummer if I reach down to 50 kg and then still being too fat so I have to go down to 45 kg. That could take a little longer than a few months. But it's possible, if I dare hoping, that I can lose 5 kg in two weeks like before a few times. In that pace I will have lost 10 kg in a month and or 15 kg in one and a half month.

But I'm realistic and hope I will have gone down to 50 kg before or until December. And if not, I can still go to the gym when the snow comes and skip running but doing similar exercises at the gym instead. But then I would have to get a gym card because visiting it almost every day would be extremely expensive otherwise. And hoping I could get some kind of allowance for that. That would be neat, but I'm not hoping too much.

Haha, the crew noticed that I've been running around outdoors here. I didn't say that it's because I'm desperate to lose weight though. I'm getting horny for no reason all the time today. Gotta find a way to deal with that cause I don't think it will get any better in time.

My body is so weird. That my metabolism is so slow it's barely even moving at all. That my required intake for my body to work fine is below 500 calories a day. That just shouldn't even be possible. That is if I don't exercise. I'm hoping that some exercise will work, or I don't know what will. Cause I'm gonna exercise myself crazier than ever. Walking, running, going to the gym, anything I can think of that is possible for me to do.

Okay, now it's starting to feel like I'm repeating myself a lot. I have basically no appetite at all again. I can go up to 10 hours without food without even noticing a trace of hunger or cravings for food. I have nothing against living on coffee and cigarettes, it's just that I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do if this doesn't work. I can never know for sure before I try. I just really don't want it to fail. I'm gonna put so much work into it and you know what I hate the most? Failing even though I've tried my very best.