Desperately doing anything

It's just that it's so unfair, you know. That I see transguys before testosterone who look more masculine than I do one year on testosterone. Most of them look like super masculine after that long on hormones while I'm here, swagging my big butt and complaining like a brat. So unfair... My genes were really bad and I can't do anything about it.

But I'm trying, like really trying to see what's good instead. That I have wide shoulders and I'm not super short. Like I've seen other transguys who are like 5 feet (150 cm) tall and that can't be so fun for them. Or that I have a sort of masculine face except from my kinda weak chin. I like my thick eyebrows, deep set eyes, big bumpy nose and thin lips. Those are all typically masculine features. It's likely that my hairline won't recede. I like my hands and my legs from knees down. That I've lost so much weight that I'm somewhere between skinny and medium in size. That my chest is flat and looks nice.

There are a lot of things that I do like and I just wish that I could stop fucking obsessing about my damn ass. It's not the whole world even though it's as big as the whole world. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying get the fuck over myself. I'm gonna get a full body size mirror and do some self esteem exercises or whatever. Just as some weird form of therapy. I've heard other people doing that and it's worked for them. Cause shit I need to work on my self esteem, cause honestly, it can't get much worse.

I don't really have a problem with the size of my bone structure, which is good cause I can't change that. No, my problem is all the fat around there that just won't move somewhere else, preferably to my waist and upper body in general. A wider waist would even it out, you know, cause it's still kinda small, but that is my rib cage being tiny though.

I dream of that they would somehow include liposuction as a part of the treatment for transsexualism for transmen. That I wouldn't have to cough up thousands of kronor for it myself. Why is it not included? I was worried about this happening already before my transition and I know a lot of transmen that would have loved that idea as much as I do. Because some of us simply have sucky genes and oh my god can I stop going on and on about this?!

Apparently not. It's just nagging at my lack of self esteem and it just ruins so much. All I can do is covering it up with clothes but what about when I'm naked? What about how it feels, how uncomfortable I get when I see it? What about being intimate with someone and feeling like shit cause it drowns me in dysphoria and I can't even concentrate on having a good time with that person whoever it may be? What about taking a shower and feeling like I wanna throw up? What about being constantly scared of not passing because of it? What about enjoying life?

Sure I got a million other reasons to hate my life, but body dysphoria is fucking the worst thing ever. Cause I carry this carcass wherever I go, sit or lie down. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second and I'm constantly reminded of how it fucks everything up. Can you understand my pain? Cause I can't.

I'm gonna start trying to lose weight again, but I don't know how. Walk, run, starve, eat good food, skip everything with sugar in except from my coffee. Because coffee is good to keep the hunger from killing me. Because just taking walks and eating salad apparently isn't enough. I'm gonna do my fucking best, weigh myself every day, take measurements and count calories. I'll start tomorrow. Cause I've had it with this body fat and this horrible dysphoria.

Yeah, I'm desperate and currently kinda hungry too. I had a simple piece of bread (can't really call it a sandwich) about three hours ago and I'm getting cravings for more but suddenly my appetite fell to zero. I'm gonna try to lose at least 5 more kg and more if I'm still not skinny all over by then. Not just on my upper body and lower legs. I need to be skinny around my critical area as well. Even if that makes me super skinny on the rest of me. Bones poking out everywhere, I don't care as long as I get that damn fat off my ass.

Then maybe, maybe I can accept myself. So much work for the hell in my mind, so much work for massive dysphoria. As I started out slightly over weight and curvy with a female voice and almost no body hair. But here I am now and I need to tip over from very feminine to rather masculine. A lot of work is required. I need it, I need it so much it's almost worth dying for. It's worth eating disorders, malnourishment, exercising to the point of fainting, it's even worth going to gym with so much anxiety that I'll almost faint from that too.

I'll take pills for my anxiety prior to going to the gym, I don't care about how much that could fuck up my body. I'll get a decent circadian rhythm again so that I can go out running in the morning, skip breakfast, have a salad for lunch and a tiny sandwich for supper, drink a lot of water and go to the gym two or three times a week. In a month or so, I should see some result. And I need to start before the winter, can't go out running in the snow.

Yeah, I truly am desperate now. I just need to do something, anything. No matter what it takes, I can't give up. Just can't. My goal is to be on 55 or 50 kg before Christmas and to not regain that weight over Christmas. That would leave me on approximately 18 in BMI. It's underweight, but not dangerously so. I know you don't think I need to lose more weight, but honestly? I don't care what you think.

I want to be able to say "finally, for once in my life I'm happy with my weight" and just that. It would be nice, that if I can somehow manage to get to the gym and start working out there again, I could get some kind of extra allowance for it. They mentioned that, someone, somewhere in some context, because of my asperger and disability. Sometimes it's kinda sweet to be disabled... and please don't take that the wrong way.

I'm not sure exactly what I wanna do at the gym though, cause I don't know if lifting weights is good for losing weight. But just getting sweaty would be. Maybe if I use lighter weights with more repetitions that would be more fat burning? I seriously don't know... but the exercise bike would be practical, and maybe the cross trainer too. Mostly I'd be running though, build up that condition and burn fat like crazy. I really hate running, but it's the most effective method I can think of. Oh my god I'm so gonna hate this...