My hips are narrow enough for me to pass now, I think. They're still wide and look far more female than male, but it's a big difference to how it was before. Sad thing though, something that's been bothering me for a while, is that they are wider now on testosterone than they were when I was about 16-17 years old and weighed the same as I do now. I was thinner then, could have size small in men's clothing but now I'm at medium. So I must have filled out in some way.
Could be either my bones that grew more in my later teens before testosterone, cartilage changing, more muscles now or just that... I dunno, I am bigger now on 60 kg than I was back then on 60 kg and frankly I don't understand how that is even possible. So I wanna lose more weight to get down to that size again, even if that means losing 10 more kg. Eventually... I'm not in a rush anymore, and I still think that I should try to accept my body the way it is, gain some confidence or something.
I don't know, but I think watching some videos on youtube by another transguy sort of made me start thinking in that direction. Because he is handsome, has wide hips and doesn't give a damn what people think of his larger butt. It's inspirational. I've been looking for transguys like him, someone with a similar body shape as mine but looks good and is proud of himself. It hasn't been easy, almost impossible, but then he showed up on my computer screen.
Sometimes I even google for pictures of men (both cis and trans) with wider hips. To see if it's even possible to look good with such a figure. It's sad, but I think I could get more attractive if I lost a little more weight. I don't like to conform to society's standards of beauty, but in that particular case, they correspond with my own standards. But only for myself.
I wouldn't able to love, or even stand myself if I was over weight or fat. But others... now that is an entirely different thing. Fucking entirely. I've found people of literally all sizes attractive because it's not the amount of body fat that decides if someone is attractive or not. It only applies to me and I think I know why. It's because that is literally the only thing I can change in my appearance body wise. I've done all else, well almost, through hormones and surgery. One more left to do but I'm talking about my body as a whole.
I can't change the way my body looks through just wishing, I can't really exercise because it's boring, frustrating and I get anxiety from going to the gym. So what is left to do but losing weight and hoping for miracles? The miracle would be total fat redistribution so that I have straight hips and a small butt. Or get money enough to get a liposuction. Keep. On. Dreaming. Seriously.
But I ask myself, why can't I be happy about the changes that I've already gotten? Why, because it's not enough? It is the best thing that's happened to my body, but I'm too greedy for my own good. My shoulders are in fact wider than my hips now. Not by much, but about 5 cm in circumference. It is a huge thing, yet I'm just complaining.
I'm whining because I still can't wear the clothes I want to wear and still pass. I'm whining because I hate seeing myself naked. This androgynous male/female body that just won't tip over to fully male. Just hoping that if I can get some more beard growth I'll be able to pass no matter how huge my ass is. I'm not thinking a full beard a la Jesus, just something, whatever. Play with it and see what could suit me. Yeah, I'm longing for having some proper facial hair, but I know I'm getting there. I already have more than a lot transguys ever get. I think that is at least something I have good genes for...
It's not all bad, I've gotten enough changes to stay the fuck alive, but I need to realise that I've also gotten enough changes to live. There's a difference, and I've been complaining enough already. So I don't look like a model and probably never will, but I can be handsome in my own way, right?
And with my acne finally decreasing I'm starting to like my face better too. Hopefully I'll be forever rid of all that horrible acne now. A little, that I can stand, but all those icky blotches really depressed me before. It was so bad I barely wanted to get out of the house. I've had acne in various degrees of ickiness since I was about 12 years old and even though I've kinda learnt to accept it, I still hope that I will get rid of it completely or almost completely one day. So that the redness in my face can finally calm down and bleach over time.
So, back on topic. Could I ever accept my body, all of it, the way it is? I do already accept and even like most of it. It's just that area from my stomach to my knees that I'm not quite okay with. I even like things that a lot of transguys don't like about themselves. Like I like my height, the size of my hands and feet (though it's hard finding decent shoes and socks sometimes), my nose, eyebrows and so on.
And I don't hate myself just because I'm not masculine enough. The hatred to my hip area has been with me for as long as I can remember. When I was in pre-school and couldn't fit into children's carts and whatever, but my younger sister could so much longer than I could cause I had a bigger frame. I hated how they were in the way of everything, my wide hips. I was literally born that way, it didn't come to me in puberty. I've hated them for my entire life more than anything else on my entire body, long before I even knew that they were connected to femininity.
That hatred runs so deep, I don't know how I can possible erase or manage it. It feels like I need to find another person who could help me with that. Someone who would find me attractive or just love me anyway. Cause I think that would help. As of now... I don't know if I could show you with pictures or anything, I don't have a full body mirror I could use. The only time I can see all of me mirrored is in shopping windows and such.
I think I might need a full body mirror again, so that I can look at it and get used to what I'm seeing in it. Try different clothes and angles, dressed and naked as some form of therapy or I don't know. I don't think I have body dysmorphic disorder like I thought before, I just have so incredibly much dysphoria. More than most other transsexuals seem to have. It's because I know that that dysphoria can be relieved, obviously, through hormones and surgery as a lot of it already has.
I know that because my chest dysphoria almost completely washed away over three hours at an operating table. Because my ugly legs suddenly weren't that ugly anymore when they got hairier and the same goes for my stomach. Because my voice was no longer absolutely horrible when it dropped. Because my face wasn't as stupid looking once my jaw widened and got some facial hair.
Every little thing has been an improvement, turning a disaster into an okay mess. My body had a long way, a very long way from where it was four years ago to becoming decent looking. It's like if it was at 0 to begin with and 100 is perfect, I'd say I'm somewhere around 60-70 now, and that is quite an upgrade. I don't mean that my body was the most horrible thing on earth by setting it at 0, it's just a sliding scale and maybe the most horrible body on earth would be -100? Don't know who's body that would be though, but likely someone who is horribly disfigured, I don't know.
It's hard for me to measure beauty, cause I see it everywhere, even in the strangest of places and the strangest people. I barely even know what would be beauty on me. I don't know what I could look good in, or how I will look once testosterone is done changing my body. That's at least another two years, maybe even more. Like facial hair takes a lot of time, just like it does for cis-males in their puberty. The difference really isn't that big.
I'm realistic when it comes to the next surgery I wanna do. I know that it won't take care of all my problems, I know it won't be drastically life changing and make me a happy person. But it will lessen my dysphoria, change life in small ways and make me feel a bit better about myself. It will give me what I want and need, simple as that.
It's still kinda mindfucking for me that me and Anna changed positions. Like, before my transition I was male in our female body and she was the cisgendered among us, her being female in our female body. And now, or soon, I'm male in our now male body and she's the transgendered cause she's still female but in our now male body.
But I've been thinking about that, that when I'm done with my transition (though I'll always take hormones for the rest of my life) will I somehow become cisgendered? That would be a dream of mine, cause no matter how cool you guys may think it is that I'm trans, I really don't. I want to be cis just like you, and this transdeal was never a choice of mine. In case you don't know "cisgendered" just means that you're not trans. Changing my body was/is something I had/have to do in order to go on living. So if I'd ever become "male enough" to be considered cisgendered, that would be breath taking.
I mean it, seriously. It's not just about passing though, but about my own comfort. To be able to feel at home in my own body. I don't think any transgendered individual truly enjoys theing trans, at least not transsexuals. We have no wish to be trans, if we did, we would probably not undergo surgery and take hormones. We claim our rights as people, to be seen as human beings and not as freaks. We want to be seen for the people we really are, underneath the skin, not for what our bodies may or may not look like. We don't want to be fetishes or someone's "exception" cause we're exotic or whatever. I'm just saying that we want to be recognised for who we are, not what we are.
Now I can't speak for every transsexual on the entire planet, some do take pride in it, I don't know. It's different for everyone, but that is the general idea. It's how I see it and it's how many others that I've come across see it. That we just want to be accepted and respected, and I think every human being, trans or not, can agree with that. Though I know I should be careful when speaking for a whole folk group or the entire human race for that matter.
Damn, I'm just babbling for all eternity again and I think I've gotten quite stuck on the trans deal again. I've written nearly 3800 words now, in a little more than 6 hours... I might not be the fastest typer, but I sure do spew out a lot of words in no time. I was even away from the computer for about an hour in that time. So technically I've only been writing all of this in 5 hours.
Nah, I think it's time to go back to my book again. Catcha later.
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