It's that one thing, that one memory I can never confess about. It feels weird today. It hurts, but in a surreal way. Like I still can't accept what I did, and I don't think I ever will. It's not exactly something you should accept either, so I guess I'm good in that sense. According to politically correct people, if they found out, they would never forgive. They would never understand and they would definitely not accept. It's unacceptable, unforgivable and just horrible. Hurting people is not okay, even if it was me behind the deed. Even if I was just a kid.
I'm thinking maybe I should tell my shrink later on, I don't know, in a year or so maybe. Cause I'm not comfortable enough around her yet and I want to be able to give all the details, including Anna. So have to wait until I've gotten my gender legally changed first. Second of all, it's not exactly something you just spill out on the go. I don't know how I would say it. I don't even remember everything, just fragments of the event. I don't remember how it began or how it ended.
Most likely I'd start with how it all started, that I got molested when I was nine and then shit happened. A lot of shit, including the crime I did was because of that. It just fucked me up sevenfold and I'm still pretty fucked up, but perhaps not in the same way.
I don't know, I still have Anna, obviously, but I haven't done any more crimes like that. Other crimes, though, but not quite as fucked up. It's a little why I thought I was a sociopath before, cause kids doing stuff like that are just not fucking normal. Most of the crimes I've done I committed when I was under and around 10 years old. I don't know why, just that I had no respect what so ever of other people's properties. So yeah, mostly I just stole shit and stuff like that. Vandalised too.
No, I never really got caught. Once or twice maybe, but then they just yelled at me and made me promise not to do it again. As if I wouldn't. Maybe people took it so lightly because I to them was a girl when I grew up. And everyone knows that girls don't do that stuff, right?
I'm not much for doing crimes cause it's fun or anything, I'm just disrespectful and hate rules/laws. I have a little of a "I do whatever I want" kinda attitude going on. But the older I get, the more careful I get. Now I'm mostly just smoking where I'm not allowed to. Cause seriously, there really are a lot of places I'm not allowed to smoke and very, very few where I am. So I just say fuck that shit.
Talking about rules, do you think they would kick me out of school if I don't follow their rules? I dunno, maybe some rules are more strict than others. Like maybe if I smoke close to the entrance outdoors they won't kick me out but they might if I smoke indoors. Yeah, I'll ponder on that...
I've only done two really horrible crimes in my life. Which I regret a lot, but don't know if that even helps, cause it doesn't help those I've hurt. Regret doesn't undo anything, no matter how much I wish it could. That, I can wear I won't ever do again. Super promise.
About the crime I meant to talk about without talking about, no one knows about it. It never left the room it took place in and I believe there are still only two people in this world who knows about it, and one of them would be me. Though, the other person doesn't seem to remember it, so maybe I'm the only one who really knows...
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