Real or dream

It seems unreal to me in hindsight. Like something I just dreamed. I wish it was just a dream, and maybe if I never bring it up again, it could be like it was just a dream. I must have left him with so many thoughts in that dream. I know he was sleepless for many hours after I went to sleep.

Speaking of dreams, I do remember that I had a dream within a dream tonight. God, how many times can I say the word "dream" and still form readable sentences today? And today hasn't even started yet. I woke up hungover and thirsty like never before. Though I slept for a good eight or so hours since I fell asleep around 23:00 o'clock yesterday.

I wanna keep it to myself for a while, as long as I still believe it was just a dream. Cause if I tell people, maybe the dream was actually real and it would break me. I'm too young to break like that. Too young to die, too young for another heartbreak. I don't know why age suddenly matters, but I'm being chased by death and want to live my life to the fullest and I'm not gonna die during the best year of my life.

Just wanted for you to know that. That I'm not going anywhere, that I dread my own death, my own actions more than anything right now. What I'm capable of. And I won't force it upon myself, won't take actions into my own hands. Weeping for the possibility that I'm out of chances and nothing is worth holding on to. Just weight loss and working on a book that fucking never gets finished.

My heart is beating so fast, just wishing that the dream was a dream and nothing more, but I know that it wasn't a dream. I told him in reality, I fucking told him and I don't know what to do with myself. I was drunk, very drunk and took the chance. All the other things we talked about became pale and vague, slipping away like a scarf blowing away from your neck in the wind.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. He didn't give me a clear answer, I'm not much sounder than before. But just that he didn't immediately respond with any kind of positive emotions tells me that he's not into me right now. But maybe... maybe he'll give me a chance later on. And that's all I can live for. That's all I can live for.

I hate it, when I put my whole life in the hands of another person like this. That what they do, what they say rules my entire existence. It's dangerous, it's far beyond dangerous, especially since they don't even know that they hold my life in their hands. It's putting a pressure on an unknowing person without their consent. Is that right? Is it wrong?

But ignoring it, or trying to ignore it, maybe I can stay above the surface, swimming slowly, carefully not to drown. Hold on to razor blades, Zyprexa, music, writing, World of Warcraft, and I might be just fine. What have I done? What have I done?