In past tense

And the bad day that turned to a bad night that turned to another bad day that turned to another bad night just now turned to yet another bad day. Or it's just been bad constantly for three consecutive days I just don't know. That one bad day is turning to a bad week, and possibly more before it gets worse. I'm counting on it, I expect it, I know it.

It just hurts everywhere inside me and my stomach is twisting and it's hard to breathe sometimes. I cut two, sometimes three times a day and it only helps for a few seconds. Probably why I'm at it so much. It's a day to starve and drink a lot of coffee. I can sense it. Anything just to ease that pain inside me, I control it with other types of pain.

I'm getting high on caffeine again since this is my third cup in 4 hours. I'm just bored so I drink lots of coffee to keep myself busy while editing my book and writing this kind of nonsense. Sometimes I watch youtube videos or play WoW instead. Found an amazingly inspiring and sometimes tear jerking channel on youtube by a transguy who talks about FtM related stuff. I just subscribed immediately and now I can't stop watching his videos.

His history, or what to say, is kinda similar to mine. I guess he's a little older than me (not sure though) and discovered his identity 2006 which was just one year after me and he also "hid it" for 4 years before coming out and starting transitioning. So I kinda relate a lot. And his videos are like a nice mixture of serious and goofy so I both cry and laugh and listen intently. He also loves cats, haha.

I don't even remember how I found out about transsexualism and realised that I have it, that time in early winter/spring of 2005. But I think it was when I joined the Swedish queer dating site "QX" after finding out that I was bisexual.

Yeah... I found out about my sexuality as well as my gender identity basically at the same time... it was more than distressing and a huge factor as to why I fell apart later that year. That and with my broken heart and Anna, it was just too damn much at once so I started cutting and tried to kill myself.

I chose to ignore my transsexualism, to accept that I was bisexual, to ignore my broken heart and chose to talk about Anna. That was just completely wrong of me. I should have: accepted that I was bisexual but also talked about it, accepted and talked about my transsexualism, talked about my broken heart and shut the hell up about Anna. In hind sight...

I regret so much yet I don't. I regret not embracing and doing something about my transsexualism at that time, yet I don't regret the amazing time I had living as a girl that I wouldn't have had if I had lived as the guy I actually am instead. I wouldn't have been with my psycho ex that gave me a sense of what true love could actually be like and the most amazing sex ever. I wouldn't have had any of the weird and sometimes alright sexual encounters I had before I came out, it gave me experiences I don't want to lose for the world.

But then again, if I had come out at sixteen I would have been true to myself and I probably wouldn't have been raped. I wouldn't have gone to School wearing corsets, short skirts and high heels that made me feel like a total fail drag queen. I probably wouldn't have ended up with so many jerks who wanted to take advantage of me. I could have ended up with really nice and caring people, but then I could also have ended up completely alone.

Because people don't want to be with transguys. Especially not pre-everything transguys in their teens. They're scared, freaked out and sometimes even disgusted. They don't believe in transsexualism and see me as a girl. Sometimes, or almost only when I've been with someone after I came out I've been their exception. Their "I'm straight but you look like a girl so it's cool" fuck. Only once, maybe twice I think the person I was with was somewhat cool with me being a guy and saw me as a guy and sort of accepted that. Only, only those times have been at least not horrible.

It's a mental thing, a psychological aspect. That it can't be any good for me at all if my partner sees me as a girl. It doesn't matter that I have "girl parts" because it just fucking kills the mood and I don't want to be fucked like a girl. I have not found such a person who wants me as a guy, ever. I watched some youtube videos yesterday about transguys talking about having sex with men and such videos and I just cried. Cause I've never experienced anything good enough to hold on to. I've never felt appreciated for who I am in bed with someone. Never.

I'm 25 years old and I've never had that. I don't know why even. I'm very open minded, I'm kind, caring and have a big heart. I'm not that ugly or have any physical disability. I lived in a big city for years and was always around and hooked up with all kinds of people. I can't even understand why I could never be with someone who appreciated and wanted me for who I am. Not even for just one night. Not even just for my flesh or just for my personality. Not even for anything.

It's not so strange that I've always doubted and hated myself, even though I pretended that I didn't. I never showed that I felt like a failure, always focused on my positive sides and was sure to bring them out. Always kept hoping. But I don't anymore. I'm too fucked up to care anymore, but I know that if there is one person on this fucked up planet who could see and treat me the right way, it would be K.

Because he knows me and accepts me and I the same for him. If he loved me... I just know that everything would fall into place. I'm not just saying this because I love him so much, but he really is perfect for me. We have the same kind of chaos and understand each other on a level even I can't fully grasp.

I just know that a little more the more I get to know him, and the more he gets to know me. How comfortable we are around each other. How we accept and understand each other without words. I might not have told you that, but I think it is like that. That all that requires is a tiny little nudge and we'd spend the rest of eternity together. All that takes is the spark, cause we already have the rest.

It might be me in the pink clouds, but I feel like it's real as I constantly try to figure out how the reality looks like compared to how I want it to look. I've always said that he's perfect for me and I mean it. If you listen closely, I've never said that about anyone else that I've been in love with. Deep inside me I always knew that it wouldn't work out in reality. Mostly because I kept falling for straight guys (post transitioning), straight women (pre transitioning), "normal" people who wouldn't stand my chaos, too "good looking" people according to society's standards (out of my league) and people who did not understand me at all. But K... that's something entirely different.

He is not straight, he has a chaos and understand mine, he's handsome as fuck but perhaps not according to society (cause society can go and fuck itself) and he does understand, accept and respect me in all sorts of aspects. If that's not perfect, I don't know what is. My sense of perfection tends to derail quite a lot from society's standards and it's not about being flawless. I like flaws, as I think many other people also do in their loved ones. It gives a person character, it makes the person real and I like that kind of real. I don't want someone who agrees with me on exactly everything. I don't to be with a copy of myself. How boring wouldn't that be?

I don't think my transsexualism would be a problem if I and K would someday end up together. I really, really don't think it would. Just that alone is quite a powerful feeling, considering what I mentioned before. Somehow I knew what I was doing when I fell for him. Like I just knew that it was right, and now I've just been hoping that it pays off, or what to say. That it wasn't just for another heartbreak, for more pain and suffering. I hope that one day this misery could end. That we could end up together and make my lovesickness turn into true love for a wonderful person that loves me back.

But I don't know how. Jeesh I don't don't know how. That it is possible, I know. But will it actually come true? I can't know. I'm just rambling. And I've been at it for hours. Should go back to editing my book. Should go do that, cause I think I'm feeling a bit better now, realising that I actually do have a chance with K.