Monday, 1 September 2014

Getting to know Anna

Realised I've never done this before, but I wrote up a list of almost everything I can think of when it comes to my hallucination/dissociation/whatever that I call Anna. My number one reason why I became interested in psychology to begin with, by the way. Anyways, if anyone wants to get to know her, here's your chance.

Name: Anna (derived from "en annan" which is Swedish for "another").
Gender: female.
Age: good question, neither of us know, but she seems younger than me.
General physical description: shorter than me, maybe around 160 cm. Long, straight, medium brown hair. Blue/grey eyes. Very thin, boyish/prepubescent body, petite. She's always looked the same.
Dress style: wears a tattered brown dress and goes barefoot. She's very feminine in her ways.
Religion: indifferent, but I think she believes in God and Satan, but not the way I do.
Political views: really doesn't care. Even less than I do.
Leader or follower: leader, but sometimes follows.
Strongest positive personality trait: protective, sharp, guiding, inspiring.
Strongest negative personality trait: devaluing, abusive, commenting, blaming, name-calling.
Sense of humour: dark, witty, lots of puns, makes me the joke, sarcastic.
Temper: shifts between intrusive, angry, sweet, calm, random, whimsical, thoughtful, wise, etc.
Opinion of herself: very proud and thinks highly of herself, high self esteem. She's like my opposite.
Consideration for me: not much at all, mostly.
Ambitions: to get free from my mind and get her own body, or get to rid of me and take over my body.
Habits: except from all the talking, she waves her arms/gestures a lot, give a lot of facial expressions, sometimes bites her nails. At first she was very straight edge but my heavy smoking and drinking has affected her over time.
Why we disagree and why she won't leave me alone: first of all, we've been together for 16 years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses, we are equally strong and stubborn, there is no winning or losing. None of us has anywhere to go. Whether she's real or not she's stuck in my head.
How I see her: annoying, intrusive, mean, but also protective and sometimes inspiring and supportive.
What she thinks about me: that I'm lazy, stupid yet smart, annoying, nagging, interesting, weird, etc.
Came into my life: summer 1998 after I had turned 9 years old.
History: at first I thought she was a guardian angel who came to protect me. Then I thought she was a ghost getting in contact with me, the ghost of an actual person that had passed away. Then when she would not leave me alone and we started "talking" through telepathy I started questioning her existence. Looked into Schizophrenia when I was 12 years old. We became enemies in 8th or 9th grade and she scared me. I told shrinks about her but was not given a clear answer or helpful help so I stopped mentioning her. Then we've been shifting between being friends and enemies frequently until she sort of "raped" me one day and I could obviously not forgive her. Hell unleashed and lasted for months. I tried to kill myself in several attempts to kill her. Then we realised that we had to become friends again and stay that way for both our survival. Things have been rough and sometimes insufferable since then, but we get by.

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