The fear

I don't know where to begin. These last 9 days have been so intense and I'm not feeling so good right now. I feel great physically, have more energy and better condition, but not emotionally. I just got so upset when I saw that I've gained half a kilo and I can't think clearly.

Because during this time, I haven't made much progress at all, it feels like it was all for nothing. All that work, I put my life at risk and it gave me basically nothing. Just need to go even harder on myself.

I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. I start to believe in the voices telling me that I'm fat, that I eat too much, that I'm lazy and don't push myself hard enough. It's getting harder to ignore them, knowing, just knowing that they're right.

I don't know how much I wanna share here anymore, cause I just become worse and worse by the day and I don't want you worrying about me. Is it even possible for me to fall this fast? But I don't fight it, I don't want to fight it. I just want to reach my goal.

How, just how did weight and weight loss become so critical, so mandatory for me to go on living? When I grew up I was never concerned about my weight, not really. I hated my bone structure and of course I wanted to be thin, but it wasn't that important to me. As long as I wasn't overweight or heavier it was alright with me. So I can't understand why suddenly I can't even weigh myself without a horrible fear that I might have gained weight.

That fear, it clings to me. I don't understand it, I don't understand eating disorders or why it seems like I'm getting one. I just needed to vent, so here's half the truth.