Driving me mad

TMI again...

I cut for a lot of reasons, but mostly it's because of my self hatred, how disgusted I am with myself and my body. It never really occurred to me before, why I feel so damn disgusted by myself when I masturbate, except the reason why I started. To punish myself for the sexual assault I went through when I was 9. Yeah, I started right after that and used it as a punishment. Anyway, the other reason is my dysphoria. And I know it's bad when I feel the need to self harm right after because of how disgusted I feel.

When I was about 15 or so, I tried to find help online on how to stop touching yourself, but there was absolutely nothing I could find about it. It's not physically harmful, but I do or did do it as a form of punishment and it was and is almost like an addiction that makes me hate myself even more. That's not a healthy way to discover your own body. That's not the way it's supposed to be. I needed to stop, but I couldn't. I still can't.

It brings so many negative feelings and I just... I don't know. It's horrible that I have to feel that way about something that's supposed to make you feel good, not the other way around. Because my body disgusts me and what it can make me feel, sexually, disgusts me. I don't wanna feel that, and if I could make myself never ever being able to feel that again, I would. Is it weird, that I hate that one feeling that so many describe as one of the best feelings in the world? Am I that fucked up?

It's awful, that my self hatred runs so deep that I literally hate feeling horny. That my body's lust makes me hate myself more. I don't know why for sure, but I think it's connected to that sexual assault. It sparked that lust as much as I hate to admit it. I didn't like being assaulted, of course, but something inside me sparked nonetheless, and that was why I punished myself. That is probably why I hate it so much. I hate that I crave that orgasm, that I can't let it be, that I can't stop.

And I try to see it for what it actually is: healthy, normal and good. At least that's what I've been told, but it just doesn't apply to me. I think that is why I'm asexual, or close to being asexual. That I'm just too damaged to be able to enjoy having sex, with myself and others. Three people fucked me up so badly that I can't enjoy that. I do feel the lust, the attraction and I do get aroused, unlike most actual asexual's, it's just that I'm too damn broken to be able to appreciate it. It's been ruined.

And I don't think it can ever be fixed. I hope it someday can, but I don't think so. It's a little bit easier with a partner, unless they suck and there's no spark at all. Or if I'm too drunk or drugged to know what I'm doing. So now maybe you can understand why I hate that testosterone increases my sex drive. I thought it was gonna calm down after a while, like a few months after the first shot. But now, one year after the first shot I'm still having that all too high sex drive and it's driving me mad.

I don't know what to do. If maybe there's some kind of medication I could take. I don't know, but I think I've heard of such medication, that it does exist, as some form of chemical castration or whatever. Don't know if I could ever get it if it does exist though. Like if it's something you give to paedophiles and not to overly sexual young adults who hate feeling aroused.

Okay, I just googled it and there is a drug used in Europe for that, but it lessens the testosterone levels in your body so that would not work. It would only be contra-productive, to say the least. I could bring it up with my doctor though, see if they has any advice. Cause it's seriously bothering me which feels kinda weird... Like who the hell has a sex drive but wants to get rid of it?
Maybe there are some kind of techniques I could do to control my "needs" like I don't know, watching pictures of disgusting things, put ice on my crotch or whatever. I really have weird problems... But they're there, and some of them I can take care of or make milder in some way. More tolerable. "Deal with it" is not a good advice. But yeah, I might be able to find a way around it, eventually. Who knows, maybe the surgery could make that better too? If then maybe I won't be so disgusted by myself. I can hope, at least.