Okay, who the fuck gets out of bed at two am to write down a dream? Apparently I do. It was about me in a psychiatric ward, a huge house with several floors and a gazillion other patients on each floor. It was really nice and I bonded with a lot of people there. But what I crawled out of bed to talk about was an orderly there at the ward, I had recognised her before in some situation but could not recall. In the dream, I found her extremely hot and she was interested in me.
Her name was Jenny and she when I woke up I suddenly remembered that she was a teacher of mine in gymnasium. She was in her late 20s/early 30s, brunette, a little girl next door kinda thing going on. She was attractive. I don't remember finding her that hot when I went to school there though. Not enough to wanna bang her... But as I woke up, I realised that I did want that, apparently. In the dream it just went on and on as we both tried to steer up a secret meeting somewhere, really like shivering in anticipation, both of us. It was so exciting but it never led to an actual sex dream, unfortunately.
Forgot to take my sleeping pills before I went to bed, it tends to fuck up my sleep and probably why I'm wide awake now at 2:39 am. Gonna take those sleeping pills now and hopefully be able to go back to sleep again then. I know it's not the lack of pills that fucks up my sleep, but that my sleep is so disturbed without medication. I was extremely tired when I went to bed about an hour ago, yet I slept a shallow sleep with lots of dreams (can only remember that one though) and I woke up again. It took me about half an hour before I went to sleep, also.
Damn, my stomach hurts. It's started doing that after a few months on testosterone sometimes and has steadily gotten worse over time. It feels like the kind of pain I got from menstruating before. I fear that it is the testosterone making things sort of atrophy in there and messing it up. I'm like, nooo, not already! I won't be able to do a hysterectomy in quite some time and it feels like I'm dying here... Maybe if it gets worse I could get some kind of special permission or I don't know. Or they could at least check if that's the reason as to why it hurts.
I really do wanna get rid of everything inside of me there, all that inner genitalia, you know, that females are "cursed" with (well, I've always felt that my reproduction system is a curse, but I suppose it's different for actual women). Now more than ever since it's causing me physical pain. I know it's not hunger, okay, I have eaten and it didn't help. I'll try again, just to be sure, but I think I know what's going on in there. An inability to produce biological children is not a problem for me. It stings a little, I have to admit, but it's not that important. Just think of the freedom of being able to be with a cis-male partner without contraceptive, as long as we're both disease-free that is, of course. I know I am, at least. So far. With all my escapades it's rather amazing that I haven't caught anything. Or ended up pregnant for that matter. I haven't exactly been careful.
That much I can admit, without going into details. I haven't slept around a lot, but I'm above the average and most of it has been well yeah, carelessly. Yeah, I just ate, it didn't work. Honestly, I think the pain just got a notch worse. I've tied the belt to my robe tight around my waist to keep things in place or something. Keeping a pressure on it seems to help a bit. Anyways, gotta go to sleep now, and fuck editing.
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