I just know that everything will fall apart again, I can feel it all the way into my bones, all the way into my broken soul. It's not depression, at least I don't think so, but I don't know what else it could be. Nothing's happened, nothing new, nothing old. It's just been steadily getting worse for no apparent reason since the beginning of August. Since before I wrote my book, sometime during the Medieval Week I suppose, or even before that.
It could be about my lovesickness. That it just became harder again. To be around him and trying to figure out what to say and do. How to hide it, how to reveal it and everything else too. How to live with it, as it's eating at me. Slowly suffocating me until all I can do is to gasp for air. I know what that's like now, how it feels to literally gasp for air because you literally can't breathe, and I know what I'm talking about when I say that it feels that way. To be suffocated by a love you can't have.
Well, not as of now at least. You might have noticed that I shift between thinking there is hope and thinking there is not. That some days I desperately believe that we could actually end up together, while other days I just feel that it's unrequited and it will never happen. That I can never be with him in that way, will never feel his touch or his lips pressed against mine, that he will never look me in the eyes and say "I love you".
Because he doesn't love me, never have and never will. That I will die alone, clutching at my dying hopes and broken dreams that were never stable enough to begin with. Cutting myself to pieces, drowning everything in alcohol, starving myself to more madness and never wanting to sleep or get out of bed again. And when my emotional suicide is completed I go for the real deal. I can see two futures, where one is bright and lively, and the other is filled with sorrow, pain and death.
And it all depends on him. It's so cruel of me, that I literally put my life into his unknowing hands. I keep it secret so that he will never know, if I do end up killing myself because he doesn't want me. I want to be able to go on living if he rejects me, I want it more than anything, but I just don't think I could survive it. That whatever I want, my will and wishes can't be fulfilled.
Cause I still believe that I've been cursed to eternal suffering and pain. Agony, self destruction and to wither away into an unknown emptiness. That I will go on living, for as long as I can, until there's nothing left but pain, until I can't stand it anymore. Until I'm rejected by life itself and I'll give up on love, of ever being loved by a nice person who I can love back. A nice person, being the operative words here. Cause I've been loved and have loved in return, just once, but the relationship turned into an abusive disaster and as horrible as it became, the first few months of that relationship was the best time of my life.
K will always be the love of me life, I'm sure of it, even if he could never love me back. I want him to know what I feel for him, but if he rejects and I kill myself, he will know that it was because of him. I just can't do that to him. I don't want to put that incredible pain on his conscience, that kind of terrible guilt it would bring him. Not just that he would lose a close friend, but that if only he would have given me a chance, I would still have been alive.
No, I just can't do that, but I need for him to know however it's gonna turn out. I might kill myself and say in a suicide note that it was for other reasons, lie to protect him. One last act of kindness and care. I will give it a few months tops, then if nothing's happened, I will tell him.
He's told me several times now that he thinks that if someone's interested in him they should just tell him that, but I don't think he understand how hard that is for me. It's so hard that it gives me panic- and or anxiety attacks, it interrupts me deeply and hurts like glass shards ripping and tearing inside me. It hurts like nothing else.
I'm terrible at flirting, especially with someone over chat. Someone that I can't see face to face that often because of how far away we live from each other. But I think that sooner or later, I will have to tell him over chat. That hurts too, it hurts because it wouldn't be good enough for me. He can't hug me to tell me that it's a no but he still cares for me. He can't take my hand and say that it's a yes.
My love for him is tearing me to pieces and I know that the only way for this to possibly end is to tell him. It could make it better or vastly worse. It could take me to heaven or bring me down to hell. How can I possibly know before hand? But I do know. I know that the likeliness of him taking my hand and whisper that he wants to give me a chance is under 25% and that the risk of him giving me sympathetic hug and tell me no is above 75%.
He's made no indications, other than talking to me almost every day, it's even become less of that lately. I don't know, it could be because he's not feeling so well, that he shies away from any human connection. Or that he's giving up on me. Gah, I just need to know. My heart is beating faster at just the thought of telling him. It's the hardest decision I can ever make, how can I even possibly tell him?
Should I keep on hinting until he hopefully gets it, or should I just spill it out? Something close to the painful truth, something like "I like you, more than just as a friend, would you give me a chance?" I have to ask that question, or something similar so that I know for sure.
But I feel it in my heart, that he would be a little vague but still clear, like "I don't know, John" and then get out of the conversation as fast as possible. That I would make him uncomfortable and he would not know how to politely tell me no. I doubt he would take off, as long as I keep it simple and not spill out something like "I'm completely in love with you and I've been for one and a half year, do you love me too?" cause that would likely scare him off. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, but I don't think it's gonna be quite that bad.
I think he already suspects it. As he has hinted at it, hinted that I should just tell him straight out, so that is what I'm gonna do. But if he's not interested, why is he so keen on wanting to know? There's so much I can't understand. It's indeed a tricky situation that I don't know how to handle in an appropriate way. Everyone is different and I can't possibly apply what I did and said to my first and second boyfriend as we ended up together. First of all, I don't and can't see K that often in real life, but I've been flirting through chat with other people with it leading somewhere, so it's not impossible.
I'm thinking myself crazy again tonight and I can't stop the thoughts even if I wanted to. I think I need to think it through, somehow plan around it. Somehow know how to handle this very delicate situation. Cause I'm not good at handling delicate situations of any kind. I'm clumsy and my asperger gets in the way. I can only hope that it turns out well, I can only hope...
Tonight I'm desperate. Tonight I'm thinking, rambling the same thoughts over and over again until my head will explode. I'm not ready to tell him, I don't think I'll ever be.
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