Everything is so messed up right now, I can't think clearly. Don't even know where to begin. That I told my crush sort of what I feel for him, that my life situation is spiralling out of control with this food/weight stuff, that I'm back to cutting and drinking. I just feel this intense self hatred that is blowing out of proportion and it effects everything I do. I'm just so fucking self aware it has become a problem.
I went fasting yesterday but now I'm back to eating my baby portions again. It did give me result and this morning I was at the lowest weight I've ever been since junior high (ten years ago) which is at 59,5 kg. So happy over that but even more scared of gaining weight as I've started eating again... If I do get above 60 kg again I'll just have to fast again but for two days instead of one and keep going until I just don't get above 60 kg again.
I'm very persistent and I've made this shit my life goal number one. It makes me not think so much about the other things that I worry about. Like K, every finishing my book, and whatever is going on in my fucked up mind. To keep constant track of what I eat, should eat, shouldn't eat, when to eat and even why. My constant fear of gaining weight, my thoughts of how fat I feel, exercise plans and goals and this list is too fucking long to write down... but I'm sure you get it.
It's a full time work and it's driving me crazy half the time, and only half the time I feel like I'm in control over this thing, the other half I feel this thing has control over me. So it's 50-50 now... It's just been barely two weeks so who knows, it might calm down in a while, but somehow I doubt it. Something just snapped in me that Monday the 15th and I don't think I'm gonna snap back.
See, I'm obsessing again. And again and again and again. I've never been like this before, this is some new kind of hell for me. The hell of slowly losing control for yet another mental illness. I mean, I've been starving before, I've even worked out hard before, and I've obsessed about my weight before. But not all three, this intensively, all at once. Everything just hit me at once and I'm crumbling beneath it, but I still stay strong, knowing I just have to go through with it if I want to reach my goal.
Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel bad over eating a meal of as little as 40 calories? Shit, I'm really on a down hill slope now. I can't, I can't eat or drink or have anything else with calories today except from tea which contains so little it just says <4kcal are="" br="" can="" changing="" doing="" everything="" figure="" i="" keep="" lose="" m="" maybe="" of.="" on="" out="" package.="" right="" seem="" so="" some="" still="" t="" that="" the="" there="" things="" think="" to="" weight="" why="" wrong.="" yet="">
This guilt is so hopelessly strong, it still is. I crave and I crave but I just can't have any of it. Not until tomorrow. Right now, that guilt is enough to keep me from anything and everything. I won't binge, I certainly won't. I read somewhere that you're considered anorexic if you just starve yourself (live on less than 900 kcal a day) but I don't think that's true. It's about a certain mindset, it's more about control and weight and numbers and obsession than it is about food.
I know. I've read tons of articles, forum threads, essays, and seen loads of youtube videos and documentaries by now. I am literally obsessed as I've never been before. For only almost two weeks I've searched the whole internet for information, pro-ana tips, ways to avoid it, what causes it, if I have it and so on.
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